Neurotic

This blog is suppose to be about frivolous fluff... yet my posts seem more neurotic than anything else..
So I shall attempt to talk about something less neurotic.

The past week is somewhat different. My household seems fine but a slight tension lingers in the air.
Ah.. the usual issues over heating, food and toothpaste.

In short, housemate CO (haha, shall explain the initials some day) had pasted a note to request that the heat remains turn on at night. This is not surprising, considering it's winter and it's sometimes -14 degrees outside.. Unfortunately, OF and other housemate OH (haha, OH - Other Housemate, my uncreative mind prevents me from coming up with a creative but un-insulting term. He knows I have a blog.. so.. ) have rooms with heating strips running directly below their beds*, so turning on heat at night will roast these 2 boys in their sleep. To prevent any body or sperm damage, I encouraged/forced/guilt the guys to talk to CO about this issue (complains from the basement, dry air, discomfort.. etc). All seems nice and well, we even offered to share the cost of buying a new heater for CO.

I'm not sure whether this issue is settled. Our offering of carrot cake to CO seems to be accepted rather grudgingly. Perhaps he thought we were going to poison him.

OF was rather upset over the possibility of CO stealing TWO scoops of milo from him.

I didn't like CO stealing my toothpaste. OF and OH felt that he took it by accident. (is probably the case... but it doesn't make me any happier.)

There are also speculations about CO's possible bad pee aiming skills and hairs on the toilet seat.

CO probably hates my TV-watching habit. Too noisy.

So, there's quite a bit of animosity going around. Nothing mean is said to each other, some sarcastic swipes from CO every now and then.

Hm, we all seem to be targeting CO. He stays in the cursed room, we had similar problems with previous housemate who stayed there last year.

But that's all.

Okay, this blog is sounding somewhat neurotic again.




*Yes, they sleep on a mattress on a floor.... we are poor poor students

Blabber blah blah

Hm, sometimes I must decide on what I want to do in life.

I'm getting old.. I feel my bones creaking and stuff... I can no longer stay up late and still feel alive the next days.
Sheesh, my metabolic rate is slowing down.

Anyway, the point is that my body is aging and I'm no longer that keen to explore and try new things. And I'm only 21.

Sometimes I look at the excitement happening in ... more happening places... and I wonder if I would be happier there? Life in Toronto is DULL... Probably due to my pathetic social circle.

There are many thoughts of going away.. to NYC after I graduate. It seems so much more fun. But would I have a social life? Or would it be like Toronto, DULL, COLD and probably more dangerous.

Leaving Toronto means giving up some comforts... OF is still here and I do enjoy having a somewhat permanent comforting? presence and company. But do I want to stay in Toronto forever?

I feel so restricted (wings-are-clipped sort of feeling)... I'm just bored here.

It's a far cry from my much more interesting lifestyle back home...
Does this happen to everyone? Is it what happens when everyone around you is attached and hanging out with their significant other? Is it because everyone is so aged by life that they keep to themselves? Or is it because my social skills have degenerated from the lack of use.

Argh.

Midnightish

Sometimes as I sit alone in my room, I ponder over various issues. But my mind always wander.

It is dark and quiet outside. Probably cold too.

My clock ticks away, and I still remain lost.

Sometimes a chill goes down my spine. It's a familiar feeling. I remember having the same sort of sensation when I was much younger, as I sit on my bed at night.

I used to be afraid of that sensation, but I seemed to have got used to it. Wonder why.

Sometimes I feel so alone. It's just me against this world. What do I do next?

Different

I have met up some friends of friends and we seemed so different. Maybe it's the environment or surroundings? Or the cold?

Yes, we can make conversation but other things.. like activities that we are keen on.. they are just SO different.

Or maybe it's just me.

I don't enjoy loud music, clubbing, spending too much $, drinking etc.

I'm such a goody two shoes. Sheesh.

It's simply so much more relaxing when I could spend time with those I'm closer to.

What's wrong with me? I'm always complaining about my lack of social life, yet when given a chance, I'm not that keen on interacting. Maybe I'm older, maybe I don't require quite so much affirmation from the society.

Gosh, my Toronto social circle is pathetic. It currently consists of 5, out of this, 2 are inanimate objects.

1. OF
2. Other housemate
3. Other housemate's date
4. Purin (stuffed animal lying on my bed)
5. TV (donated by a graduate student)

I'm turning into a boring antisocial nerd.
Sheesh. I'm off to comfort myself with my Purin.

Bored & needy

I've lots to do.. yet I'm bored.
I want some chocolate.

miss good chocolate

Odd comparisons

Well well.. a friend of mine told me (or maybe it's because I overheard because I was sitting next to her) that she was participating in some pageant. It's strange but I want to join too? Gosh, it's odd even typing these words. I guess I like the idea of some sort of confirmation of one's physical appearance. I mean, growing up plagued with physical insecurities didn't make me oh-so-self-confident. I don't know. My some-what tormented childhood filled with teasing and little admirers left me with a fragile ego that could not repaired by the (fair number? of) potential suitors that I encountered in my early adulthood. (details in another blog entry, perhaps.)

Sheesh... Conflicts conflicts... Yet there is the pain, nope, not really pain, more of discomfort (and probably more ego shattering) of participating and getting rejected. No one wants to fail. Oh gosh, would I one day regret as the window of opportunity closes? I would no longer be, say, under 24/25 in a few years time.

GOsh, I worry and ponder over the darnest thing. Why do I want everything to be perfect!?!

Older and wiser?

Okay.. I'm offically an Adult. Erk! Gross. Now I'm suppose to be responsible for myself. Birthday went by pretty uneventfully. I had cake and stuff, went up the CN tower for lunch.. bummed around. Oh yar, and OF gave me a Tiff & Co. necklace. That's good. Hehe. Always wanted a blue box.

I want to relax and slack.. but as usual, it's not possible.
I've finally conned/convinced OF to go off to London & Paris with my for xmas vacation... So that's a hell lot of planning to do...

As usual, like how things usually work out (badly), my exam will end on the 19Dec... kindly ruining my chances of going to London on a cheaper and more direct flight. DArn it. Nevermind, I can take UA and go to the States and change planes and get stuck at customs.. @#(*@)(#

Darn the security. Hate inefficiencies.

Hypochondriac

I've been worrying about my health. My breathing seems labored and I'm always tired. I don't want to be stressed out. I just want to rest.

Maybe I'm just lazy.

Lazy, lazy me.

I just want to rest.

Alluding to something

The recent brouhaha about an 18 year old blogger is really disturbing. I shall not mention names for I feel she had her share of attention (and I fear my blog gets slammed for no particular reason). It's pretty sickening (for me anyway) to read all those nasty comments people had about her, insulting her looks, family, upbringing... I guess I'm for a more tolerant and forgiving society... and please, she's 18. Yes, if you think she's morally corrupt and what's not, so be it. It doesn't reflect well on society (or people?) that so many seem so keen to bring about her demise.

It just seems frightening that people kick up a fuss over incidents without much thought. It is harsh (to me *Why am I quantifying all my comments*) that all this is going on without any regard for her feelings. How would people really react if this was to happen in real life (i.e. in a conversation)? I guess it's wouldn't get so ugly.

People are always so angry for all the wrong reasons.

Hm, I've learnt that people are dissatisfied about their lives and some people are really mean. I'm leaving my blog at this. For I fear further ranting would get me into trouble. But I'm assuming (like her) that not many people read my blog (which unlike her, unfortunately is true)... So if you're someone who just happened to wander upon my blog, it's just food for thought. Pray, leave the girl (and me) in peace.

This week

It has been some time since I've last blogged and nothing much has changed. I'm still confused. Still deciding. Work or grad school....
Today, I cooked fish, it turned out pretty good. The fish is darn cheap too, thanks to the Chinatown supermarket near my place. I wanted to cook because I didn't want to study. Argh, I had a terrible Law & Economics test today, and I wanted to do something different...
My thoughts are flying all over the place. Anyway, one interesting thing that happened to me this week. OF stabbed me with the blunt edge of a kitchen knife. It was an accident, or so it seems. One second, I was hovering around the kitchen sink and the next second, I'm tearing. OF asked me whether I was crying in shock or in pain... It wasn't that painful, but it was kind of freaky... I mean, how often does one get stabbed in the hand. For those curious few who are reading this, I didn't get hurt or anything. Just a tiny 7mm mark on the back of my right hand, directly over one of my veins.
Okay, that's the highlight of my week, steaming fish and getting stabbed by OF.

Bad blogger

Okay.... I think I'm a bad blogger. I write boring nonsense that no one really wants to read. Hm, why such comments? I've been reading my brother's blog and my friends' blogs and they are all A LOT more interesting than mine. I guess my life is boring.
It's pretty uneventful now. I sit around with my research papers in front of me... (it still is).. But I'm surfing, reading CNN, nosing through peoples' blogs, playing games.. you get the point... Internet is a bad bad thing...

Anyway, I was having this conversation with OF about PRESENTS FOR my 21st Birthday!! In short, he wanted to know what I want... and I didn't know exactly what I wanted.. so I gave him some oh-so-rough guidelines.
1. Try not to disappoint.
2. Try not to get something that I will get for myself. If I wanted it that badly, I would probably have bought it.
3. The gift should come as a surprise.
4. The gift should be valued for $.
5. Don't buy something too practical (e.g. camera battery). It shouldn't be too inpractical too (e.g. vase).
6. The gift should make other girl friends jealous. (really jealous is good) The sort of gift that would cause other girls to shoot evil looks at their partners.
7. The gift should signify the importance of the receiver. (Girls probably like flowers because they like the idea that their partners would spend ridiculous amounts of moola on something that serves no purpose and dies fast.)

Summary: Impress, don't disappoint.

Okay, I got to go read my research papers to make myself feel somewhat productive. Or maybe I'll just go sleep... Hm...

What do I do next?

The time has come for me to decide how I am to embark on my life. I'm graduating in 7 months and within the next couple of weeks, I got to set my mind on doing whatever I want to do for the next few years. Why the hurry? (considering the fact that I have 7 more months of school... ) BECAUSE ALL THE DEADLINES FOR EVERYTHING IS DUE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS/ months. I mean, I guess I could wait until I graduate before I go about looking for a job... but that sounds plain stupid when all the recruitment is happening now. (I'm already 2 weeks late in the job thing).

And should I go to graduate school? Do I really like research? Should I get my masters? Is my current arts/sci degree enough? I don't know. I'm not super keen in research. I find it okay, I-can-deal-with-it sort of okay. But is it enough enthusiasm for one to do a 6-7years PhD? (I'm probably whiny over the fact that my psych & GRE grades suck.)

Hm, how about a MAs? Is it that important to get at least a MA? Probably, since I'm only holding some arts/sci degree.

Work? What should I do?
I don't want to be stuck here when all the happening stuff is going on in New York. And how am I going to get a job in New York!?

Oh yar, should I stay in Toronto, go back Singapore, go to the States, go someone else? OF is still going to be stuck in Toronto for another year... but do I really want to stay here for long?

Questions, frustration, irritation. I guess I don't have a choice. I've got to make some sort of decision within this time frame that will determine my life (or for a few years at least).

Finally

After finding out that I do not have the prerequisites of being in one of my classes, I madly emailed the lecturer in hopes that he would grant me a space. UNfortunately, he didn't reply. (Later, I found that he doesn't reply to those whom he rejected their requests.)

ARgh! But, somehow, after speaking up in class today, (by which I mean talking a LOT), he allowed me to stay. What a relief. Considering that I got throw out of my course advisor's office for moving a chair to sit when I tried to get her to waive the prerequisite. @(#*&*%#*. Odd cranky old hag (OCOH).
Which comes to this other theory I have. Side note: I have to come up with three hypothesis for one of my labs.

Anyway, back to the point, I was whining to my housemates about the OCOH and I figured that unmarried or people without kids end up as OCOHs (OCOH applies to both males/females, the male version could be Odd Cranky Old Hog?). I seem have met a fair amount of them in my 16 years of schooling, they are usually teachers. Ha! Why? I don't know.

Another friend who was listening to my gripes about the course-advisor OCOH mentioned that maybe such people have poor sex lives. Possibly, I simply cannot imagine someone wanting to be that intimate with someone who is so cranky at life...

OCOHs are usually cranky and they vent their life dissatisfaction at you. Please, go vent at some inanimate object, hit a beanbag or something. They are either sadists or grumpy-er (people who enjoy being grumpy, haha, a more appropriate word should be masochist, but that just brings to mind leather jackets and whips. And this image doesn't seem to fit with that of the OCOHs.) I can't understand why they enjoy being so mean to others, I don't see how someone can be happy if they make others miserable. (this is probably OCOHs’ life goal)

Being a good scientist (or a good science student), I should quantify this by saying that not ALL unmarried-wo kids-past middle age people are OCOHs. But a lot of them are. So, maybe we should all try to get hitch and/or get a good sex life and/or adopt or produce some kid. Suggestions from my not-so-scientific hypothesis.

Irrelevant nonsense

I'm typing this as I've never been to me plays in the background. A friend from a long time ago showed me a video of the song and I think it's a nice song... so I'm listening to it.

Was musing over various odd stuff these days. Darn, blame the stresses in life.

My not so creative self will now tell you some not so important fact that I came up with.

I've decided that very good looking people look good even when they are not smiling. Average or more average looking people look better when they smile.

I've decided to classify myself in the latter category after staring into the mirror without smiling. Darn it.

I shall seek comfort in the fact that I look better smiling!

Hehe. *smile*

Back to school

Once again I'm back in school doing ecky school-y stuff. Back to the same old routine: work, study, lab, sleep, eat. The usual.
Lots to study, weird chaotic final year for me.
University is almost over for me. It's fast eh? I'm 2/3 done, 4 more credits to go and I'm out of here. To the ecky working world or to graduate school.
Arghly, argh.

Too much things to do, too little time to think. --> bad university life

=(

and oh, my printer is crappy (irrelevant fact).

double =(

Italy in pictures

Florence: Marble replica of David

Venice: Ponte degli Scalzi (some famous bridge?)

Florence: Arno River

Venice: Piazza San Marco (according to OF, mistakes attributed to him)

Venice: Some cute dog that I followed around

Cinque Terre: The sight after a 1.5hr @)(#*@)(# hike

Milan: Piazza del Duomo

Pisa: Leaning Tower

Venice: Burano

Rome: Colosseum at night

back

It has been 5 weeks. I'm finally home in Toronto. Back home to my fluffy bed and air conditioning. Time seems to have gone by really fast. I’m very much poorer but the experience has been great. Gross and disgusting at times, but overall, it’s a memorable trip.

It’s an overseas education during an overseas education (if you get what I mean). 5 weeks to cram in European Regional Economics, 5 weeks to travel, 5 weeks away from civilization (and all those morbid terrorist/war news). I felt I’ve learnt a lot, but I simply cannot articulate what I’ve learnt. It’s kind of odd, to feel so enriched yet not be able to write any of it down.

Maybe it’s the traveling and the lack of internet access. Maybe it’s just the getting away from the usual routines of work and life. I don’t know. I guess it’s not that relevant now that I’m back in Toronto, back to the realities of life.

I like going away. It changes priorities, makes you look at the world differently. It takes you away from fluffy pillows and put you with fleas. It allows you to let things go, to take things easy and appreciate life. It makes you so tired, that you ask yourself again: Why am I doing this?

But now, it’s back to Toronto, back to reality and back to the world.

Last week

1 more week, slightly less than 1 week in fact. I'll be leaving this Tuscan region go return to the Artic regions of Canada, Toronto.
Freezing bad weather. Not yet, but winter will come soon.
Sheesh.

I got to remember to eat Tiramisu tomorrow. I heard it's invented here in Siena.

Too hard to blog. Just got chased off computer just now.

Another day.

Options

1 more day of class and then my finals. For some reasons unknown, I kept getting emails concerning work and/or lab. Sheesh, I'm stuck here in Italy and everyone wants me to go back to hand in some report, summary or work. I got an email from my old banking job wanting me to go back to work part time.
Sheesh.

What should I do after graduation. I have a couple of options (not in order of preference):
1. Go graduate school, do a Phd/MA
2. Go Japan and teach English
3. Go back to Singapore and work
4. Go sponge off my brother/parents and go on another prolong holiday
5. Go find a job in Canada, Toronto

Option 2 always come across as odd to people who know me. I guess it is because I can't speak Japanese. But I kind of fell in love with Tokyo after visiting it last summer. Nice, clean, efficient. Good sushi, cute toys (Purin), great shows (Hard Gay Ramen). How can I not love such a city. But if I am to be realistic, I would probably be posted to some ulu town in Japan if I go there and teach. Sheesh. It's the only place that I visited that I hope to return. I'm DARN sick of Italy and fleas now!!!

Okay, I'm getting too hungry to type more.

Off to 'mensa' for lunch. The school cafeteria is called mensa. Odd name, the first time I heard it, I thought it was the high IQ club, Mensa.

Okay, off topic and hungry.

Till another day.

Argh.... Lab reports due

For those who are uninformed and for some weird reason or other... not know me, yet read my blog, I worked for 2 professors for credit and for money.
Anyway, I have been stuck in Siena for 1 month and just received an email from 1 professor that a lab summary is due on the 28 August. Which is like today.
I just found out.
ARgh, off to do lab report before continuing my blog...

Just finished 2nd test

My second test for my class is just over...
Feeling quite tired, I want to go home and sleep but ... as usual.. I can't.
Need to plan hotels, tickets etc for my weekend trip to Genova and Cinque Terra.

I have just received news that my lost sandles would not be found... argh.. my nice, new teva sandles.... sheesh... even though they might be fungi causing shoes...

Just found out that the Lebanon war is still on.. It has been around 1 month since I left Toronto and they are still fighting...

Well, well.. I'll just go on my holidays and leave all these nasty stuff alone..

Siena.... 2 more weeks

I have 2 weeks left in Italy... then back to Toronto to slack for a week before school starts...
Need to disappear off the radar so no one can locate me ... need to rest in my fluffy bed for 1 week and eat har2 gao3.. and study my GRE which I hardly touched in Italy.
Hoping to go whale watching this weekend... that is if I successfully get the tickets....
Quite sick of Italy already.. guess it is because my residence is not all that comfortable...
Yesterday.. I killed a FLEA with my pencil lead container, picked up some dead mosquito bug and this morning I squished some big flea-mosquito insect with OF's clock....
Argh. and OF is not keen on cleaning up the room... actually.. I'm not very keen on cleaning too...
There's actually quite a lot of interesting stuff to blog about... but I don't really have easy access to internet... I guess I might talk more about my trip during my 1 week of hibernation..
Till then I guess...
*Whales calling out to me*

In Siena...

I have been in Siena for around 3 weeks....
Using school computer with Italian keyboard... not all that used to it...
Been to lots of places.... Venice, Milan, Pisa... some small Tuscan towns..
Going to Rome in 2 hours.
Argh. Need to go home and pack.
I am drinking obsence amount of alcohol here.... cos it is free/cheap...
Place is basic but okay...
Taking LOTS of pictures...
Feel so disconnected with rest of the world...
I spend my days eating gelato, travelling....
no time for news....

Leaving Toronto

I'm leaving Toronto in a couple of hours.
Finally the hotels in Vienna, Milan and Rome are booked and confirmed (more or less I hope).
I'm now in one of those... what-else-do-I-need-to-bring stage...
Looking around my room and going through my daily routine to make sure nothing is forgotten.
OF is busy de-hairing next to me. It's kind of odd. The calm that comes before the holiday. Before this, it was all busy, trying to get things in order, booking places, reading course material.
I'm no where near finishing all I want to do...
OF has finished de-hairing and he's bugging me to go book seats online.
Maybe I'll have free internet access.. then I can blog.
Till the next time I regain internet connection... wish me luck. =)

Italy - 5 days

5 more days and I will leave Toronto for Italy. There’s a lot to be done: packing, booking hotels, learning Italian, reading readings. ARgh. At least I will be going home early today. I aim to be home before 1pm. *crosses fingers* Then maybe I would be able to catch up on my readings.

I just went to the bathroom and found out that I had black ink on my face. !@#*&@# copier. Thankfully I only spoke to one person at work today… so it’s not that bad. I probably just look like a retard. Maybe I should be vainer and check my appearance with a mirror every 20min.

Recently I had just got myself into one of those I-wish-I-look-as-good-as-those-supermodels moods. I guess I have been ogling at too many gorgeous women. Curse the media, for corrupting my mind and stirring dissatisfaction within my soul. (side note: Miss Japan is great, I love the way she sashays during the swimsuit event)

This is just a brief update on the state of my mind. Lots to do, no time/mood to blog.

Why I no accent?

Okay, I’ve been in Toronto for 2 years and I still speak Singlish. Maybe Canadian-accented Singlish, but it is still Singlish. I try my best to speak proper English but with my strong Singaporean accent, no one could make head or tail of what I am saying. Maybe, I’m exaggerating but there are times when I get a blank stare after speaking. And I’m using proper English (so I think) without any la-s/ mah-s/ loh-s.

I have heard others from other nations speak, in particular, I know someone from Iran who speaks with a strong Iranian accent (if there is such a thing), and I have difficulties, major difficulties understanding what she is saying even though she uses proper sentences. Oh gosh, I fear that sound that way to the Canadians. It would put me at such a disadvantage. Who in the right mind would want to hire someone who cannot be understood by the rest of the firm?

Thus, I’ve been trying and trying to ‘gek’* an accented. [irrelevant fact: one friend back home even said I speak with a sight accent.] I mean, I have ample opportunity to speak Canadian since everyone here speaks Canadian. I work with professors and colleagues that speak Canadian, but why can’t I master the language (or should I say accent)? I surveyed the tiny sample around me and found that some Singaporeans manage to ‘gek’ out a pretty decent sounding accent, while others (me), remain highly incompetent.

Here are my theories to explain this:

1) I came to Canada when I’m FAR too old. Eighteen is too old for one to learn an accent. The language structures (Broca’s, Wernicke's area) in my brain have withered into raisins. I mean, just take a look at my attempts to learn French. 6 months at Alliance Française but I could barely utter a respectable phrase except Je ne parle pas française.
2) I am staying with fellow Singaporeans. If I were to move into some ang moh enclave, my Canadian will improve by leaps and bounds. This theory is inspired by my PRC ex-house mate who moved away to gain more exposure to ‘proper’ English.
3) I already speak with an accent (or maybe I don’t). The point is that my BAD English is the cause of other’s incomprehension. This reminds me of the time when I was teaching Singlish to a Hongkong friend (ahh.. such nationalism).

The conversation proceeded as follows:
Me: Buaya is cocodal. Cocodal eats people (flirts), so (name of other friend) is a buaya.
Friend: What is cocodal?
Me: Cocodal is the one with the big teeth, kind of like alligator.
Friend: Alligator?
Other friend: It’s cro-co-dile.
Me: Cro-co-dile, big teeth. Cro-co-dile.
Friend: (laughs) Why did you say co-co-dal.

This conversation aptly describes my English standard. Thus, it might not be my lack of ability to ‘gek’ an accent, but my bad English (Singlish) ruining my attempts to be understood.

This leads much that I have to ponder over.

* gek – (Singlish) force out

My alarm didn't go off today ...

I woke up late today. My alarm didn’t go off at 9:30am. I guessed I must have turned it off by accident last night. I slipped in and out of dreamland a couple of times and finally crawled out of bed at 11:40am. Darn, there goes my hope of working in the morning, half a day wasted in bed.

I proceed to go to the lab, then to work. It’s not a matter of choice I guess. I had to change my plans of going to Dominions to buy fruits. Maybe I would go to Chinatown later to get some rather low quality apples.

I haven’t been talking to many people these days. It’s all the same few. OF, my other housemate, my ROP mates, colleagues, lab mates? It’s pathetic. I could count the number of people I speak to with my fingers. I’ve nothing much to say I guess. Life is a routine, I usually go to 2 places: the research labs and BA (my other admin job). It’s always the same, I wake up and drink milk (I’ve given up hope of eating breakfast, it’s far too tedious), then I check the weather for rain and go off to work, usually in berms and a t-shirt. I go home, read my GRE/economics, eat dinner while watching Simpsons and then back to reading. These days, I read news instead of books (it has been a really long time since I sat down with a good book *sigh*). CNN, ST Interactive, Dilbert, Dilert's Blog… The same websites, the same routine.

Yes, I know. Many people have told me, my life is wonderfully great. I’m spending my college years overseas, spending summer in Italy, visited Tokyo, New York, London (blah, blah, the great cities). I have a job, my GPA is surprisingly decent, life seems to be working out well. Yet, a lot of my life probably remains untold. I guess I’m at the stage/age that I have to decide on what I want in life yet I am still unable to firmly grasp this concept. I remain unable to articulate my frustrations or even pin down what is nagging at me.

Life still moves on even though I remain lost. I just get sweep up with the current flow. I guess, I’ll just let life bring me where ever I’m supposed to go.

Finished word list

Hm, I'm finally done with my word list. It's the first time I went through the list. Argh.
OF just plopped into my room to tie his laces. Overpriced shoes. I bought a similar pair that same day. Deep in poverty now. Distracted. Will blog another day.

Hmmm...

Oh well… Life is a routine. I have given up hope on doing my GREs this July for I have too many words to squeeze into my tiny brain.

I was chatting with some friends concerning relationships, dating in general. My friends back home in Singapore seem to have a vibrant dating life, 5 people chasing, parties, handmade cheesecakes, the it’s-so-normal-to-have-a-million-guys-after-me situation. Anyway, it’s a huge contrast to my life in this part of the hemisphere. I have no one after me, it’s a far cry from my younger days where I could count crushes/flings/whatnots off my fingers. I guess it’s bad for the esteem to be in such a situation. I feel I’m not living my youth to the fullness, I’m freaking 20, and the world is not treating me as such.

I guess I missed the excitement of having a ‘half-half’ situation: having a crush that likes you. The stolen glances, the late night phone calls, the mad preparation before a date… it’s unbelievable how a simple sms for that special someone could light up your day.

I recall the days. I guess one person left the greatest impression on me, let us call him MB. He was probably my first crush that reciprocated. One day, a bunch of friends (MB and I included) went out together, we got on a bus and MB and I sat together. I was obscenely happy, even though it was just ‘sitting together on a bus’. We had a delightful, flirting conversation on that short bus trip, and I can still remember the gist of it.

It has been a long time since I knew MB, but I still remember him. He was the one who understood me the way I wanted him to, the one who could pacify me of my whims and complains. The last time I met him (which wasn’t all too long ago), he still gave me a slight flutter in my tummy. It was a could-have-been. Both of us agreed. Unfortunately, situations have changed and we on different continents, pursuing different paths in life.

It was a short relationship, short and sweet. We had no major conflicts and thus no resulting bad memories. Would it be possible in the future if both of us are single and in the same country? Maybe, I don’t know. But, I guess some relationships are better left the way it is, un-finished.

Musical Musings

I woke up with the tune of “Dawn” (Pride and Prejudice, Dario Marianelli) playing over in my head. I had a desperate urge to find a piano and play the song despite the fact that 1) I do not have the piano score and 2) I cannot sight-read well. I messaged OF concerning my need to find a piano and he replied “Eh. Why ah?” which is somewhat funny yet seemingly inappropriate.

I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to play the piano. I’ll probably disappoint myself once I venture into playing the piano again. Yet, I went through the possible places in school that I could find a piano and play without embarrassing myself (a massive crowd sitting behind me). *arghs*

My sudden yearning for music is not that surprising, I guess. Since my primary school days, I have always wanted to learn how to play the violin. Yet, I never had the courage to ask my parents to allow me to take music lessons, for they always talk about how bad it was for parents to force children into supplementary classes. Anyway, I reached my puberty years and managed to bug my parents into letting me have piano lessons. I guess I was a pretty decent student, not great, but at least average. I even took up the violin in my secondary school days. So in my early teens, I finally fulfilled my need for music lessons.

But like any typical student in Singapore, I was overwhelmed by the British O, A levels and kept stopping my lessons because of exams. On hindsight, I probably should not have been so lazy. For now, I’m left with insufficient ability to play the way I wished I could.

One interesting note: I having violin lessons in Toronto with my teacher from back home. He migrated here with his family. Yet I kept stopping my lessons (yes, even in summer). I had not have lessons frequently, it has been 4 months since I have touched my instrument. *more arghs* It’s hard to practice when you have neighbours below that despise the noise you create. Why do I like music and yet is not able to play. Feel so handicapped by my own ability.

Never mind, I need to make the best out of this…
I shall try to find a piano in school, try to find the music score, and try to find time to play.

Blogging at Work?

I seem to always be updating my blog while at work. I guess I feel it is a ‘waste of time’ to be blogging at home. Time at home is meant for doing things that I won’t be paid for.

Today I had my first attempt on html. Haha, I actually managed to get the Current Terror Alert icon up. Mighty pleased with myself considering my tech skills are very lacking. Despite learning some tech stuff about remote access at work and being oh-so-successful at adding icons to my blog, I have yet to figure out what’s wrong with my laggy computer. It now takes a full 15minutes to get my computer to start. I wake up every morning and start my computer. Then, I brush my teeth, pee, prepare breakfast and return to my room to find my computer still in the mist of starting. My MSN will be Not-Responding and that light that signals my computer is busy will be still madly flashing. I’m supposed to reformat my computer but I’ve yet to get to that desperate state of want to get rid of all my stuff for the sake of a faster, saner machine.

Guess my tech skills are limited to gaming and cracking pirated games code. That’s what I have acquired from my secondary school years of buying pirated games from Jade House and pasar malam. I’ve always been pretty annoyed by my lack of tech skills. This is one skill that has made me significantly poorer than I already am. I’ve spent tons of money and effort fixing machines, money buying original games… Bribing people to help me download movies, games.

Piracy is bad and you probably shouldn’t follow my example. Anyway, my computer is far too clogged up with miscellaneous nonsense for any more movies. ARgh.

I was interrupted by MSN and a colleague telling me about Siena (I’m going there for August). *lala* As usual, I’m hungry and want to go home. I shall whine more about my lacking tech skills and my Siena trip in another blog entry.

Going home

It's 11:40am and I'm tired and I want to go home. I slept around 3-4am last night after fretting over my courses. 5 PaTHeTic hours of sleep before I got dragged out of bed by OF (another blog on OF some other time) to register for my courses. After hogging spots in courses that I don't need and reshuffling my schedule (I misread courses at 3am in the morning), I trudged to work on bicycle.

I'm at work, updating my blog and performing pretty mindless duties: just to keep the company functioning. There are always people needed to do the sai1 gang1. Here in the Canada, we are a laggy 12 hours behind Singapore time. Thus all my friends are online at my 11am, an ungodly early hour for the undergraduate student.

I looked through my MSN list and read the usual names, familiar names of people I have grown up with, gone to school with. Everyone is there, yet I have no inclination to start a conversation with my friends from long ago. It's just kind of gloomy, that everyone is moving on in life without you. I guess this is the part of life, part of the choice I made when I decided to leave the country and take a path slightly less trodden.

Is it the same for all those in a foreign land? I guess Canada is not really a 'foreign land' to me. I've been here for 2 years and have a pending PR. I know the place decently well, I have a job, work with 2 professors. The usual more or less balanced university life. But I guess it is still different, I have yet to establish a large social circle, I choose to restrict my shopping for more stuff = more luggage.

Yet, when I return home (if it still is called home), I feel a sense of loss. The place has changed (a quick read of ST informed me that a new shopping mall is built), friends have moved on, and I'm still stuck with my JC impression of Singapore.

Wish to return to an easy life of home cooked food, clean laundry and bad television (7pm Chinese dramas... Oooo...) But until then, I shall try to make the best out of my situation. MSN friends in Singapore? Maybe, but I'm tired from work/lack of sleep.. And I'm going home... Back to my tiny room in a house with a marijuana filled basement, paper thin walls and an overgrown jungle backyard. (but that's going to be another blog entry)

Trying to think of something to comment on

I'm desperately trying to come up with some interesting topics so I can comment on them, but the thoughts have yet to hit me, so I shall talk about my lack of things to comment upon.

okay, this is not turning out very well. I still have nothing to say. Maybe my blog will turn into one of those boring, self obsessed, what-I-did-today blog. Such a pity, considering the effort and time I took to come up with a name for my blog.
Sheesh.

Why did I start a blog? I seem to have burden myself with the responsibility of writing. But it gives me an excuse (no doubt a pretty lame excuse) to do something that is not academic related. I guess blogging is meant for the narcissistic (which I'm sure I am), for someone to proclaim his/her life all over the internet in hopes that someone would comment on their musings. This does not seem to be happening to my blog. *grimaces*

Guess some things are just not meant to be.

Strawberries, World Cup and Work

The strawberry farm was great. They kind of ran out of strawberries so we were crawling around trying to find the remnants. I spent most of the time eating strawberries picked off the ground instead of putting them into the bucket. eh.. The previous mentioned couple (refer to weird-hum-friends) were with me that day and they seem glad. *hehe, all thanks to me*

What I did to the raspberries....


Updates:
- my housemate just got robbed, almost robbed, 3 minutes away from home. Dangerous neighbourhood.
- Italy won world cup (and I fell asleep in the 2nd half watching it)
- just signed up for courses for next semester... Argh. the agony of school.

Weird 'hum1' friends

I am now preparing to leave home in 20min to go to some farm to pick strawberries.
All thanks to my weird 'hum1', friends. (you know who you are if you are reading this)...
Interesting, 2 people that I feel are OBVIOUSLY fond of each other yet so.... afraid to proceed.
One is blur-coy, the other is vulnerable-lost.
Ah, the bliss of young love.... we're going strawberry picking...
*fluff ball rolls with strawberries*
Will update more about this.
*Ooo... Strawberries....*

2 Barbapapas!!

First blog

Testing...
Why did I start a blog months, no, years after people started theirs?
As usual, I'm always kind of late, especially when I'm dealing with 'techy' stuff.
It's Friday and I'm suppose to be studying. But instead, I was nosing around online and found my brother's blog. As there is nothing better to do (except study, clean up the place, study, clean...) , I decided to start a blog. *claps*
So so so freaking hard to choose a name for my blog, every thing imaginable is taken. I just have to make do with this oh-so-fluffy one.
*fluffy ball rolls* -- > irrelevant
I hope I don't give up blogging that fast, becoming one of many that just have a blog that hogs space and make life hard for those trying to think of a name for their blog.