Paved with good intentions

I'm supposed to be studying. But, you can see that I'm not.

Anyway, my random surfing allows me to stumble across this article by Colin Goh and his wife (Yen Yen). Hit me rather strongly. Haha, might have to do with the fact that I'm going to attend the same school. Oh, and my experience as a relief teacher in a rather good secondary school.. that's pretty familiar too.

Yar, I know I'm probably one of the last few people to read this article. I think it's quite well known. I'm lagging. It's probably a good time for me to read it, as compared to say, 7 years ago, when it was first written. Oh gosh, I was only in secondary 2 then! Sheesh. So young.

So if you are also like me (lagging or based overseas), here is the link: http://www.colinandyenyen.com/wordpress/paved-with-good-intentions/

Why I want to be rich

With far too much time on my hands (not really, I'm suppose to be studying for my exams), I've figured out another one of life's pressing questions: Why I want to be rich.

I have heard lots from other less financially motivated beings about the fact that money can't make you happy. I agree life is probably very crappy if you have lots of moola but everyone hates you and you are sick and dying and ugly.

But I'm assuming not everyone hates me and I'm not sick/dying/ugly (yet) so I shall pursue wealth!

Here is my rational:
1. Money solves lots of problems.
- Makes sure there's enough food for everyone
- Everyone is comfortable
- Provides health care
- Pays for leisure/basic needs/luxury

2. I like to buy stuff
- I'm going to get myself a Galapagos tortoise if I can afford it.

'We talked once to someone who met a Galapagos tortoise at a party in a flat in San Francisco. If I recall correctly, the "owner" had brought the tortoise back fro the Galapagos on a ship for which he was a cabin boy, in the 20's or 30's. The tortoise wore heavy socks on its feet (to avoid scratching the hardwood floors) and had learned how to operate the faucets in the shower so it could enjoy a rain shower... Unfortunately, it never learned to appreciate the reason to turn OFF the shower after use, and following a bath it could be seen slopping around the flat in soggy socks...'

- http://www.cfcl.com/vlb/weblog/archives/000106.html

You heartless animal haters out there HAVE to admit that it is darn cute. I so want a tortoise.

Yea the galapagos. My local petshop said they can get them for about 3 grand if I want lol.

- http://www.constrictors.com/forums/showthread.php?p=121901

So I need like 3K to buy a tortoise and probably lots of money left over to buy a house with a yard for it, pay for its food and socks.

Haha, so cute. I'm still fantasizing about cute tortoise with socks. *drools*

Oh yar, and I want lots of other things like yachts, shoes, clothes etc. All these require money.

3. Legacy
- I've decided to do the leave-a-legacy thing (Learnt this from OF)-> Hence, I have to earn lots of $ so I can donate it all to some cause that I support (Save the Tortoises?).
- Why the need for a legacy? I guess since I'm going to die some day, I want to leave some mark on the world.

There, money is nice and fluffy and allows me to own a tortoise. Oh, I can also pay someone to clean up tortoise poo. How nice is that. Hehe.

My environmentalist streak

http://www.greatturtlerace.com/

Despite all my apathy towards the world, I believe we ought to help animals.

I like tortoise/turtles. And this website is great. It's super cute.

Oh, and I miss my tortoise. Yar, I know he is a turtle but I just like to call him tortoise.

Isn't he cute?

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Note: I know most people disagree with my tortoise's cuteness. But still.. He is so adorable.

Falling shoe

My shoe fell off when I'm cycling. Haha, it's quite funny.

Anyway I was messing around with my gears when I found out that I couldn't cycle. The pedals were not 'gripping' the gears.

As I was attempting to figure that out, my shoe fell off.

Thankfully, the road was tiny and rather empty so I kind of cycle-walk my way back to my shoe. Haha, was so glad no cars ran over my shoe.

Some random stranger asked me whether I need help. I guess I was looking quite pathetic.

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It's quite funny to me.. Sounds dangerous eh? Cycling with shoes that could fall off. Darn my Birkis.

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Wearing bicycle safe shoes require socks. And I hate socks. =P

Middle class pains

Hm, I'm unproductive again. My exams are in like a week and I'm slacking around. I guess it's because I already have a passing grade on one of the finals.

I'm rather bored. Everyone around me is studying.

Yesterday I watched MM LKY's video on Straits Times and conveyed his message to OF.

'I do not believe 50 per cent of Singaporeans can emigrate. So as a government, and personally for me and my colleagues, my responsibility is to look after those who cannot migrate.' - MM

OF was, as usual, highly skeptical of politicians.

But I came to this general conclusion that Singapore is a rather good place for the rich or the poor. For the middle class, it's not that nice.

The middle class is too poor to buy a nice house, car and other assorted stuff. These are things the typical middle class family can afford in Canada, Australia etc. That's why they migrate, eh?

The poor: You want to be poor in Indonesia, Africa etc? Just think of those poor starving kids picking out scrap at rubbish dumps. Enough said.

The rich: Low tax, safe environment, clean. Enough moola to buy the nice houses and big cars. Low cost labour allows them to afford maids/chauffeurs, services that are VERY EXPENSIVE elsewhere.

Unfortunately, I'm typical poor middle class. I guess I can only go back when I'm rich. *sobs*

Humph-ho

Hmph! I’m sick of guys.
I was having an MSN conversation with a male friend of mine who is based in Singapore. All was normal and our conversation ventured into local versus overseas education. I mentioned that I was glad to be overseas etc. Then he shot back, that I have only gained a boyfriend, who must be rich.

-_-. Pissed off la.

It is likely, or speculated, that he was moderately fond of me back in during the days of JC. But still… must people be so upset that I’m not dating them. Sheesh.

Oh, after a few observations on my friends and their ex-es (ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriends), I have come to yet another insightful conclusion.
1. Males don’t want to be close to their ex-es. Especially if they are dumped because their girlfriends got jio-ed away by other people.
2. Females are okay about keeping in contact with their ex-es.

Haha, I’ve verified this by asking OF whether he still wants to ‘friend’ me after we break up. He gave me a -_- (duh!) look and said something along the lines of not-if-another-guy-comes-into-the-picture.

Guys are so predictable. Hmph!

Good company

I have too much time on my hands after handing in my last assignment. Haha, hence, I have time to think about frivolous nonsense like why is my future bed frame going to be brown. I HATE brown. I have always wanted the white bed frame, pink bed sheets thing. Now my wonderful plans are ALL ruined. *sobs*

Anyway, I'm still going ahead with the pink sheets.. Maybe I'll get yellow. Brown and yellow, it's like Purin. Then when I place Purin on my bed, he will blend in with the sheets.

Purin is that yellow dog in the upper right corner of the picture.

OF bought me this cute dollhouse. Super adorable. Kekeke. But no stairs or doors. The tiny critters have to jump around to get into the different rooms.

Okay, I've figured out why I don't hang out so much with friends after dating. Yeah, great insight!

It's because your date is better company. I'm not sure about your dates, but my date usually pays for my stuff, sends me home, listens to me yak, gets drag around, looks at MY stuff, etc.

So when I go out with OF, I generally have a good time because things go MY way. I'm such a control freak. OF also makes sure I have mushrooms in my miso soup, else he will give me his. Haha. There! Beat that.

Compared this to my other friends: No free food, no extra food, no one to send me home.
Haha, my old friends are probably decent company, but new friends, I got to make forced conversations, pay for expensive food that I'm NOT interested in eating.

I guess the main problem is that I'm a total cheapskate. I'm just not willing to pay for expensive food with company that I don't really enjoy. And I can't behave like a cheapskate even though I am one! AND I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SPLIT THE COST OF ALL THE FOOD ON A TABLE BECAUSE I USUALLY ORDER THE CHEAP STUFF (and I eat less than others). If I'm willing to pay for cab rides, maybe going home by MYSELF wouldn't be all that terrible. All these prevent me from converting new friends into closer friends.

So poverty is oh-so-bad for making friends. And having a good date as comparison... Ah, things just get so skewed.

Lip balm and Tiger Balm

Today I submitted my last undergraduate essay. I'm pretty proud of my work. It's around 5000 words long.

After that, I went off to return library books and then to buy lip balm.
Here it is. Some beeswax thing. (I have no idea what beeswax is.) Anyway, it felt authentic and kind of reminded me of Tiger Balm.

Here is a picture of what Tiger Balm ointment looks like (in case you have no idea).

When I buy Tiger Balm, I've to get it in this tiny round metal container that is ridiculously hard open (vs the glass jar). Feels more nostalgic and cute! Oh yar, did I also mention that Tiger Balm in tiny metal container is also practically impossible to be located in shops. Haha, people are so into practicality. Hmph! (I'm hmph-ing at those people in distaste, in case you didn't get what's the hmph for.)

Anyway, I bought the Beeswax lip balm that reminded me of Tiger Balm. It's pretty expensive compared to other brands. Gosh there was some shiny lip balm on discount from Blistex and I retarded-ly paid $4.99 for this non-shiny Beeswax thing. I thought it's 'better' since it's in a container instead of those rolling tubes. And I thought the volume was larger.

Okay, all is fine and well. It even smells pretty nice. (I asked OF to sniff it, but he got to do it at a distance. His nose hairs might fall into the lip balm. Hehehe.)

I've just tried to use it and it's almost impossible to dig the balm out of the container. The texture is SO hard. After a few rather feeble attempts using my blunt fingers, I stuck my lips into the lip balm container. (Such an ugly picture, don't imagine!) ARgH.

Now I've some balm on my lips and it feels kind of funny. Peppermint flavoured. Felt like toothpaste on my lips. Sheesh. I don't like it. I don't know. Maybe there are people out there who like the feeling of Mentos on their lips. I rather peppermint flavoured stuff be in my mouth. Yes, I read the peppermint label when I bought it. And the peppermint probably made it smell nice. But there's the minty feeling on my lips.

It's like putting Tiger Balm on your lips. Sheesh, looks like Tiger Balm, feels like Tiger Balm. Maybe I could use the beeswax thing on my bruises and sores.

Note: Now, it doesn't feel so toothpasthy. It's kind of sticky now. Ew. It's like Tiger Balm, loses its 'sting' after a while.

Hm, religion?

Yesterday, OF dragged me out of bed and off to church. It's one of the first few times we have gone to church in year 2007. OF rationalized: The lack of attendance was due to his high school workload.

Anyway, as usual, I'm slouching on the pew bench because the pastor is not terribly exciting. OF said I need to sit up straight because that would be a sign of respect. I still don't comprehend why good posture = respect. *-_-??*

Back home, I thought about assorted stuff. I haven't decided on a religion yet. I think religion is a rather good thing, provided you don't go around proclaiming jihad to others. I mean, those horrid prisoners who took up religion and became good. How bad is that?

Okay. I was asking OF why don't we ask those yin-yang yan3* people to ask the ghosts what religion to believe. OF was going: Those might be some bad spirits, might not be true.. etc.

But there are also lots of funny people back in the past who might have had schizophrenia. Then, they could have gone about proclaiming to be God. If they were charismatic and not too nutty, enough people could have believed them. *horrors* It's a sort of modern day cult.

So how do you know that the "accepted" religions like Christianity, Islam etc are not created by some schizophrenic guy running amok?

Anyway, I don't know. I don't even know whether the yin-yang people really see what they see. OF says they are delusional. But I still want to know. What do yin-yang yan3 people believe in? Do they have a religion? Or do they only know that there exists ghosts wandering around but they have no idea where rest of the un-ghost are.

Disclaimer: This is just a random bunch of questions. Don't get oh-so-worked up.


* yin-yang yan3: Having the ability to see dead people/ghosts

Cookies!!!

I was bored and hungry last night at around 2:30 am. So I baked cookies. Here is the recipe for Nutella Kisses! My cookies look cute and round eh! Anyway, I took much longer than expected and went to bed around 4:30 am instead of the expected 3 ish.

Oh yar, I also burned the bottom of some (quite a lot actually) cookies. Darn it. Cos I was baking using this new tray which is apparently too 'good'. Conducts heat too well. Top of cookie is not well cooked, bottom is cao ta*.

So cute eh?!

The flatter ones are better and not cao ta at the bottom.

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Now prepare for the totally frivolous.

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This is Purin and he has a new hat!

Haha! Magical eh?

I should name the cookies: Purin's Beret.

Lala, my purin is so CUTE. *squeeze purin*

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* cao ta: Singlish, burnt.

Almost at the end

1 more week of school and I'm done with undergraduate education. Then I have a 2 week study break, then 2 exams, then FREEDOM!

Freedom to slack? Haha, provided I don't fail anything and have to redo my courses. *horrors*

Hm, anyway, I'm going to leave Toronto soon. I seem to have a tendency to leave a whirlwind of destruction and emotional wreck where ever I go. Oh gosh, maybe I'm one of those people who feed off such stimulation.

Okay, maybe it is NOT all so bad. More of lingering negativity rather than utter devastation. But I'm starting to see a familiar cycle repeat itself.

Note: My prof says: If something happens to you once, maybe it's them. Twice, maybe it's bad luck. Thrice, it's you.

Enter new place. Make friends. Someone likes me. Nothing blossoms. Rejected one (ones) hates me. People bo-song4* me for my indifference towards them or for some other reasons that I haven't quite fathom. I'm not close to the main group. Friendships with others.

So what have I learnt:
People don't like being rejected. Men (boys) hate you after getting their ego shattered. (Hey, I reject people very nicely k...)
People don't like my indifference. I guess I'm too individualistic and just don't follow along with the crowd. (All I can remember is people being displeased when I don't attend all class gatherings, sit with class table etc etc. I guess I have more fun or am more comfortable with others.)

I guess this 'group' thing is really quite Singaporean. To go along with the crowd and all. And I seem to stick out like a sore thumb when I don't conform. Some people, such as OF, get away with it because he just blends in/fades into the background. Can you imagine people being pissed at him for skipping class gatherings? Nope!!!

So being rather egocentric, I've decided that people value their self worth based upon my affirmation. I guess this is true in the case of romantic rejections. For the other non-romantic (maybe?) group issue, I don't know what's up with them. I have my hunches that it got to do with the fact that I seem rather spoilt and privileged and that I seem to get what I want. Jealousy? Maybe. People don't like people who have it so easy. Come on, don't lie to yourself, you get irritated when peers (who are not close to you) have good things happen to them (especially when you are dissatisfied with your life).

So am I supposed to look ugly and gross and so no one will like me? (Oh-gosh, guys fall for any creature in a skirt. That's for another blog entry.) Am I supposed to conform and do retarded things that are a TOTAL waste of my time and money just to be with the crowd?

I hope not. Maybe now, that people are growing OLDER and more self assured, I can traverse this new phase of my life with less wreckage.


Note 1: Things are very possibly not as bad as portrayed. But what the heck, it's my blog.
Note 2: Suddenly, it occurred to me that such things (negativity and group-think issue) are started/due to the MALES in the group. Hm, this gives me another reason to hate men.

*bo-song4: Singlish; displeased with, not happy with.

Trying too hard

It has become apparent to me that one must not try too hard, or appear to try hard.

Make up: You have to look naturally beautiful. Sheesh, the make up should look like it is not there. Make up is meant to cover up your ugly flaws, but you can't look like you slap on too much or else you will be trying too hard to look good.

Academia: You have to get good grades without studying too much. Else you will just be a mugger toad. People take great pains to look like they are not working so hard.

Interpersonal: You have to be nice and sociable without trying so hard to fit into a group. People should love you and accept you without you trying. But how do you get yourself into such situations without trying? Things just don't work this way.

Dating: You can't be, or look desperate. Enough said.

Style: Your wardrobe should be casually put together, yet still oh-so-stylish.

Blogging: You have to be interesting without appearing like you are trying to be interesting. (Haha, ran out of ideas.. so I'm not going to TRY to write more.)

Happy Easter!

I feel....

Oh gosh, I just came across this rather fun website about people's feelings. (wefeelfine.org) You can play around with the data, look at differences between genders, countries etc. It is pretty and all colourful, just the sort of thing I like. I especially like reading the mumblings of Singaporeans. Haha.. Lots of Singlish!

But check this out. Singapore is actually the saddest city, and also one of the loneliest. This might not be the most scientific way to go about evaluating cities, but it does hold some element of truth. (Why else would I go: Ah, why I am not surprised.)

Side note:
I feel un-understood. It's not really misunderstood. More like a feeling that one doesn't get what I'm trying to convey. It's a lack of the Ah-ha sensation. I feel I have so much to say yet all my words seem to be like balls rolling down this darken funnel to nowhere. (It's really what I see in my mind: balls rolling down a dark funnel. I don't hear the balls reaching any potential end. It's just the sound of them spinning around. The sounds grow fainter, but I still hear them.)

I keep getting hints or should I call them, obvious in-your-face signals, about the missing kindred feeling I'm seeking.

I'm such a problematic soul. Nothing seems good enough for me.

20-something and still single

It is crappy to be single in your 20s. Your new friends are all superficial acquaintances who are prone to leaving you in shit holes. Your closer friends are attached and their best friend is their partner. You have lots to say but no one to share it with. You end up doing lots of things alone, as it is no longer possible to drag people to events, shopping, conventions, things that only you care about. You hate Valentine's, Christmas, New Year, March Break etc because you have no one to spend the days with. There is nothing to look forward to on your birthday. Stop lying to yourself that the surprise birthday party thrown together by your casual friends is JUST what you are expecting. You rather spend a quiet evening with someone who really cares about you (or with a group of friends and THAT special someone).

People around you are getting married and you are still mindlessly wandering around the realms of singlehood. You work hard and achieve success in many areas, but there is no one to share the joy. Money is a lot less fun when you have no one to spend it on or to spend it with. You fear becoming that cranky old man/woman who lives alone and dies alone.

You want children, at least some time in the future, but see no potential mate. You are bored and have no one to call. You are on MSN far too often. No one really cares if you look gross and have food stuck between your teeth. You don't know who you can turn to if you need help.

And time passes so slowly.

Don't worry too much, you are just stuck in Erikson's Intimacy vs Isolation stage. (see picture below) I'm not saying it's good to be single and to die alone but have faith that many are stuck in the same position. (If you are the only one in that situation then you ought to feel really shithole-ish. I mean who are you going to pair up with?)


Thus, the need for belonging and love is oh-so-important (see picture below). You need it before you can move on to things like self-esteem and self-actualisation, i.e. things that will make you truly blissful.

So, I'm not denying that it's crappy to be single in your 20s. It's nothing wrong and in fact, really quite common. It's okay to want companionship. Hahaha, why do people feel so bad acknowledging they want company. Everyone agrees that they want success, but few want to come across as someone who wants love. Ah, it's the single and desperate thing. Nothing wrong to be desperate for love, just don't come across as one. Society prefers people who are more indifferent about it. (You probably lower your potential if you look so desperate. People want to date people who have CHOICES, aka, more than 1 person liking you.)

Tinge of Irritation

As I grew older, I became more skeptical. (My JC math teacher was going: You are so skeptical.) I guess more of my experiences with people are fraught with negativity and laced with intentions.

In my teenage years, dissatisfaction at relationships mainly arose from parental issues and below-expectations dates.

Now, my trusted friends are limited to those from my secondary school past. These are people who grew up with me and watched me do stupid things. They may judge, bitch and whine, but then, they always wish for the best for me.

Why this ranting?
Because a certain specific someone EO (Evil One) kept bugging me about my graduate school plans. Usually I'm pretty open about telling people about my plans, practically everyone who reads this blog knows where I'm going to. But he, EO, has been bugging me about my GRE grades, my graduate school plans etc etc. And I am so hesitant in telling because I know he doesn't wish for me to do well.

A very good benchmark (haha, reminds me of 2.2 million minister salary, but lets not go into that) of how good a friend or partner is how he/she behaves when something good happens to you. He/she should be happy for you when you get your raise/promotion/lottery/new date or anything that is good for you. (If you are dating a total jerk, maybe the hesitation is justified.)

The important people, aka really good friends, wouldn't leave you in some shit hole. Those superficial good-time friends are probably not going to be around when you need help. I haven't really been in any major shit holes, but when I am, there are usually those I can turn to for help. (Thanks in advance!)

Hm, I don't really think my future graduate school plans are shit hole-ish, but I don't like to share the news with EO. I just don't wish to hear insincere congratulations while knowing that he is cursing on the inside. Then he will go off to tell others and bitch about how I manage to do it.

Haha, I would like to think that I'm self-assured enough to not need such reassurance about my abilities. (This seems like a rather lame attempt at self reassurance.)

But all is fine, and I'm now choosing friends with a lot more caution. Unfortunately, it is much harder to make friends this way. =(

The horrid EO incident just left me with a bitter taste and slight irritation, which has evaporated after venting on this blog.

*peace*