It's Thanksgiving and I have a couple of days off from school. Hence, I'm back in Toronto after a long 10-hour bus ride.
I realized it is autumn here in Toronto. The brown, orange and gold leaves are falling off the trees. I never noticed it in NYC. I guess there are no/few trees in NYC. (Central Park doesn't count since I don't visit.)
The first snow day arrived soon after I reached Toronto. Everything is cold and ecky. Not as ecky as NYC, but still ecky because of the cold. *Brrzz*
I feel like I'm having one of those secondary school chalets. Too much tv, weird eating hours and lots of aimless nothing.
But it is good to check in with reality every now and then.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Subway Begging
Living in NYC exposed one to poverty. I really don't like seeing people poor and ecky.
Yar, tv has all kinds of poor starving people... But at least they are FAR away and I can turn off the tv.
I hardly see such poverty in Toronto. Yes, I see the occasional homeless guy on the sidewalk but they are usually lying there motionless. So I can just walk around them.
Here, I see the SAME homeless poor people on the streets every day. My professor says that one homeless man even gives out Christmas cards to people who helped him.
Okay, anyway, I can avoid and walk around the homeless street people. So that is fine.
But on the subway, it is a different story. Poor disorientated people frequently start begging for money and I have to look away and pretend not to notice. (I have no heart, but I really don't like the idea that I might be paying for some junkie's drugs/alcohol.) They frequently stink of pee and dirt and other ecky stuff. And I get so grossed out because I sit on the same subway chairs as them. They also hold those very handle bars I hold. Ew. =(
Now, when I get home, I wash my hands with soap. I don't like the idea that my overpriced DKNY trench coat is touching the ecky subway but I so have no choice.
Yar, tv has all kinds of poor starving people... But at least they are FAR away and I can turn off the tv.
I hardly see such poverty in Toronto. Yes, I see the occasional homeless guy on the sidewalk but they are usually lying there motionless. So I can just walk around them.
Here, I see the SAME homeless poor people on the streets every day. My professor says that one homeless man even gives out Christmas cards to people who helped him.
Okay, anyway, I can avoid and walk around the homeless street people. So that is fine.
But on the subway, it is a different story. Poor disorientated people frequently start begging for money and I have to look away and pretend not to notice. (I have no heart, but I really don't like the idea that I might be paying for some junkie's drugs/alcohol.) They frequently stink of pee and dirt and other ecky stuff. And I get so grossed out because I sit on the same subway chairs as them. They also hold those very handle bars I hold. Ew. =(
Now, when I get home, I wash my hands with soap. I don't like the idea that my overpriced DKNY trench coat is touching the ecky subway but I so have no choice.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Eureka - The cause of my confusion
As you know, I am based in NYC where my life revolves around school, work and the far too occasional shopping trip. After one too many group dynamic conference, my brain is all but fried into a putty little mess.
All the while, I've been worrying about jobs, or the lack there of. Those in contact with me know my potentially jobless state is of a great concern.
Oh yes, with time, I have found (unpaid!) internships for Winter and Spring. But summer beckons and I remain jobless and poor. (My schoolmates are earning $35-$103.50/hour.)
This is the session for recruiting and everyone is getting a summer internship but me. How horrid horrid horrid *prissy British accent*.
And this is coupled with the fact that I have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Options:
- Study more - PhD?!
- Work
- HR
- Consulting?
- Finance stuff??
and so on...
I've yet to decide for it's hard to weigh FINANCIAL benefits against other more intangible things like time/effort (or what I usually themed: xin1-ku3*-ness).
And there is another part of my brain that is obsessed with vanity and things of that like. My insecure childhood, early teens probably resulted in this LSE which has yet to be reversed by the 'many' ardent admirers I have had in the later part of my life.
After a fruitless night surfing the internet and making myself more LSE, my brain sort of clicked and I gained a weird realization of my current confusion.
Some background information:
Psychology Specialist (something more than a Major) + current Psych Masters student + taking Career Counselling class + a whole lot of other 'mambo jumbo' which I rather not elaborate.
Plus: OF just got a job (in some ulu** nowhere) and gave me the 'option' of slacking. (It's not really an option, more of a LAST RESORT.)
Back to my rambling:
So, after another night of LSE-ing on the internet. I figured out why I'm so 'like-that'.
I'm just totally unresolved.
There are things which I always wanted to do, since I'm 6, (I'm convinced.) but I never got a chance to complete. I started my music lessons at around 13 but I never finished them. Along the way came things, mainly academics, which pushed music aside. I knew I'll never be a great musician (I'm partially tone-deaf.) but I do really want to know how to play music.
It is always really easy to push aside music lessons when one has school/work. It just doesn't make sense for one to spend so much money and effort to make oneself more stressed out. Now I'm stuck in my crazy NYC lifestyle which has NO ROOM (or maybe willingness on my part to make room) for lessons. Plus, I have no money.
The inability to resolve chunks of my life (I'm STILL CLINGING ON to the hopes of learning music) probably barricaded me into my current phase. Some parts of my life are proceeding/developing as normal but other parts of my growth are severely stunted.
The idealistic, impractical me forbides me to turn my back against what I know is unrealistic. My pragmatic side churns on with the mad surge towards success in its most typical form (academia, career).
I typically do well in school (except Higher Chinese), but there are so so many parts of my life which I wanted to develop but I didn't. I placed everything aside for the pursuit of grades (knowledge?). It got me somewhere, I'm in Ivy League, got a decent internship, (might get a job) etc. But yet, the hollow empty feeling of being unaccomplished nags at me everyday. It's the could-have-been. Would I be able to juggle school work and more? I don't know.
20s is a period where one gains realization of the reality of life: It's highly unlikely that one would be that successful, good-looking, wonderful, famous etc. However, I am more than what I ever expected myself to be... My 10 year old self would never have dreamt that now, at 21, I would be in NYC living this totally surreal life.
But yet, I feel so underachieving. My potential unreached. This is conflicted by this inertia (laziness) to accept life as it is and to be grateful for whatever I have already achieved.
I'm not satisfied. I want more, more to say of myself than academic grades and a stellar resume. I want to be defined as something more. Yet I can't. (Yes, I know I'm a great friend... That sort of thing, but that's not the point.)
I'm totally unresolved. There are so many things I have yet to complete, but I can't seem to bring myself to start.
What's wrong with me.
Disclaimer: This is my state of mind now. My perceptions probably changed a few times while I'm blogging. But whatever.
* xin1 ku3: Chinese, discomfort, tiredness
** ulu: Singlish, not accessible, far far far away
All the while, I've been worrying about jobs, or the lack there of. Those in contact with me know my potentially jobless state is of a great concern.
Oh yes, with time, I have found (unpaid!) internships for Winter and Spring. But summer beckons and I remain jobless and poor. (My schoolmates are earning $35-$103.50/hour.)
This is the session for recruiting and everyone is getting a summer internship but me. How horrid horrid horrid *prissy British accent*.
And this is coupled with the fact that I have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Options:
- Study more - PhD?!
- Work
- HR
- Consulting?
- Finance stuff??
and so on...
I've yet to decide for it's hard to weigh FINANCIAL benefits against other more intangible things like time/effort (or what I usually themed: xin1-ku3*-ness).
And there is another part of my brain that is obsessed with vanity and things of that like. My insecure childhood, early teens probably resulted in this LSE which has yet to be reversed by the 'many' ardent admirers I have had in the later part of my life.
After a fruitless night surfing the internet and making myself more LSE, my brain sort of clicked and I gained a weird realization of my current confusion.
Some background information:
Psychology Specialist (something more than a Major) + current Psych Masters student + taking Career Counselling class + a whole lot of other 'mambo jumbo' which I rather not elaborate.
Plus: OF just got a job (in some ulu** nowhere) and gave me the 'option' of slacking. (It's not really an option, more of a LAST RESORT.)
Back to my rambling:
So, after another night of LSE-ing on the internet. I figured out why I'm so 'like-that'.
I'm just totally unresolved.
There are things which I always wanted to do, since I'm 6, (I'm convinced.) but I never got a chance to complete. I started my music lessons at around 13 but I never finished them. Along the way came things, mainly academics, which pushed music aside. I knew I'll never be a great musician (I'm partially tone-deaf.) but I do really want to know how to play music.
It is always really easy to push aside music lessons when one has school/work. It just doesn't make sense for one to spend so much money and effort to make oneself more stressed out. Now I'm stuck in my crazy NYC lifestyle which has NO ROOM (or maybe willingness on my part to make room) for lessons. Plus, I have no money.
The inability to resolve chunks of my life (I'm STILL CLINGING ON to the hopes of learning music) probably barricaded me into my current phase. Some parts of my life are proceeding/developing as normal but other parts of my growth are severely stunted.
The idealistic, impractical me forbides me to turn my back against what I know is unrealistic. My pragmatic side churns on with the mad surge towards success in its most typical form (academia, career).
I typically do well in school (except Higher Chinese), but there are so so many parts of my life which I wanted to develop but I didn't. I placed everything aside for the pursuit of grades (knowledge?). It got me somewhere, I'm in Ivy League, got a decent internship, (might get a job) etc. But yet, the hollow empty feeling of being unaccomplished nags at me everyday. It's the could-have-been. Would I be able to juggle school work and more? I don't know.
20s is a period where one gains realization of the reality of life: It's highly unlikely that one would be that successful, good-looking, wonderful, famous etc. However, I am more than what I ever expected myself to be... My 10 year old self would never have dreamt that now, at 21, I would be in NYC living this totally surreal life.
But yet, I feel so underachieving. My potential unreached. This is conflicted by this inertia (laziness) to accept life as it is and to be grateful for whatever I have already achieved.
I'm not satisfied. I want more, more to say of myself than academic grades and a stellar resume. I want to be defined as something more. Yet I can't. (Yes, I know I'm a great friend... That sort of thing, but that's not the point.)
I'm totally unresolved. There are so many things I have yet to complete, but I can't seem to bring myself to start.
What's wrong with me.
Disclaimer: This is my state of mind now. My perceptions probably changed a few times while I'm blogging. But whatever.
* xin1 ku3: Chinese, discomfort, tiredness
** ulu: Singlish, not accessible, far far far away
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Pollution
I bought one of these water air purifier things as the NYC air is ecky. My room is somewhat cleaner with less dust bunnies. I would also like to think that my skin is somewhat better. It kind of deteriorated after I came to NYC.
Here is my purifier on top of my air vent.
Here's the grim after 2 days. I have to change the water every 2 days as the water level drops too low.
A close up. How disgusting to be breathing in all that junk.
Here's the source of the grim. 2 major construction sites just outside my apartment. I took this picture from my bedroom window.
This is the walk way.. Look at the stuff they placed on top of it. I won't like it if all those construction materials come crashing down on me.
Here is my purifier on top of my air vent.
Here's the grim after 2 days. I have to change the water every 2 days as the water level drops too low.
A close up. How disgusting to be breathing in all that junk.
Here's the source of the grim. 2 major construction sites just outside my apartment. I took this picture from my bedroom window.
This is the walk way.. Look at the stuff they placed on top of it. I won't like it if all those construction materials come crashing down on me.=(
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