As you know, I am based in NYC where my life revolves around school, work and the far too occasional shopping trip. After one too many group dynamic conference, my brain is all but fried into a putty little mess.
All the while, I've been worrying about jobs, or the lack there of. Those in contact with me know my potentially jobless state is of a great concern.
Oh yes, with time, I have found (unpaid!) internships for Winter and Spring. But summer beckons and I remain jobless and poor. (My schoolmates are earning $35-$103.50/hour.)
This is the session for recruiting and everyone is getting a summer internship but me. How horrid horrid horrid *prissy British accent*.
And this is coupled with the fact that I have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Options:
- Study more - PhD?!
- Work
- HR
- Consulting?
- Finance stuff??
and so on...
I've yet to decide for it's hard to weigh FINANCIAL benefits against other more intangible things like time/effort (or what I usually themed: xin1-ku3*-ness).
And there is another part of my brain that is obsessed with vanity and things of that like. My insecure childhood, early teens probably resulted in this LSE which has yet to be reversed by the 'many' ardent admirers I have had in the later part of my life.
After a fruitless night surfing the internet and making myself more LSE, my brain sort of clicked and I gained a weird realization of my current confusion.
Some background information:
Psychology Specialist (something more than a Major) + current Psych Masters student + taking Career Counselling class + a whole lot of other 'mambo jumbo' which I rather not elaborate.
Plus: OF just got a job (in some ulu** nowhere) and gave me the 'option' of slacking. (It's not really an option, more of a LAST RESORT.)
Back to my rambling:
So, after another night of LSE-ing on the internet. I figured out why I'm so 'like-that'.
I'm just totally unresolved.
There are things which I always wanted to do, since I'm 6, (I'm convinced.) but I never got a chance to complete. I started my music lessons at around 13 but I never finished them. Along the way came things, mainly academics, which pushed music aside. I knew I'll never be a great musician (I'm partially tone-deaf.) but I do really want to know how to play music.
It is always really easy to push aside music lessons when one has school/work. It just doesn't make sense for one to spend so much money and effort to make oneself more stressed out. Now I'm stuck in my crazy NYC lifestyle which has NO ROOM (or maybe willingness on my part to make room) for lessons. Plus, I have no money.
The inability to resolve chunks of my life (I'm STILL CLINGING ON to the hopes of learning music) probably barricaded me into my current phase. Some parts of my life are proceeding/developing as normal but other parts of my growth are severely stunted.
The idealistic, impractical me forbides me to turn my back against what I know is unrealistic. My pragmatic side churns on with the mad surge towards success in its most typical form (academia, career).
I typically do well in school (except Higher Chinese), but there are so so many parts of my life which I wanted to develop but I didn't. I placed everything aside for the pursuit of grades (knowledge?). It got me somewhere, I'm in Ivy League, got a decent internship, (might get a job) etc. But yet, the hollow empty feeling of being unaccomplished nags at me everyday. It's the could-have-been. Would I be able to juggle school work and more? I don't know.
20s is a period where one gains realization of the reality of life: It's highly unlikely that one would be that successful, good-looking, wonderful, famous etc. However, I am more than what I ever expected myself to be... My 10 year old self would never have dreamt that now, at 21, I would be in NYC living this totally surreal life.
But yet, I feel so underachieving. My potential unreached. This is conflicted by this inertia (laziness) to accept life as it is and to be grateful for whatever I have already achieved.
I'm not satisfied. I want more, more to say of myself than academic grades and a stellar resume. I want to be defined as something more. Yet I can't. (Yes, I know I'm a great friend... That sort of thing, but that's not the point.)
I'm totally unresolved. There are so many things I have yet to complete, but I can't seem to bring myself to start.
What's wrong with me.
Disclaimer: This is my state of mind now. My perceptions probably changed a few times while I'm blogging. But whatever.
* xin1 ku3: Chinese, discomfort, tiredness
** ulu: Singlish, not accessible, far far far away
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