6 Years Abroad

Well, for better or worse, I have been living in a foreign land for 6 years. It will probably be a good 10 years before I return (if I can successful return that is).

I always like to think that it is those back at home who have changed. My 6 years abroad was but a sojourn. To me I am still the same; it is my friends who have moved on in life. They have gathered more friends, new spouses, fancy careers. They have experiences in which I play no role. It's like I am that same 18 year old staring at a tape on fast forward. The scene plays and I watch.

But this is probably not true, I might be staring at the tape, but I am running alongside too. On another film roll, leading a vastly different life. In fact, my recent facebook stalking just 'scared the shit out of me'. I saw something that reminded me of how conservative people (as in people I know) are. Such facts shouldn't be all that disturbing to me, since I knew for many many years that these people were that conservative. Perhaps it is my own reaction that startled me. The innate revulsion and the immediate judgment I placed upon those who are in that category. I am sure that the 18 year old me would not jump to such conclusions. What has 6 years of overpriced education (specifically on human behavior) done to me? Have I lost the capacity to accept certain categories of people? Anything mildly anti intellectualism (okay, granted, most things are HIGHLY, not mildly anti intellectual) is extremely aversive and I recoil in horror as if being zapped by a Pavlovian electric prod. I am worried about my own stereotypic judgments (+ I probably should worry about my soul) for I am unable to reconcile the fact that I am fond of them as people, but find it hard to imagine being friends with people like that (let's just assume that I place a crazily high value on friendship). I don't not like them, I simply find it hard to be close to them, or want to share my values or my life with them (probably highly disapproved). Blah blah, you get the point.

Urgh. Maybe I am finally understanding this you-are-not-one-of-us-barrier (the guy wrote Letter to a Christian Girlfriend) that I have experienced one time too many (especially from Singaporeans, even abroad. darn). Maybe I should activate this same YANOFU-barrier towards such people when I am the target of YANOFU. Fight YANOFU with YANOFU. Haha, I think I shall call the barrier on my side, YANQE!: You-are-not-questioning-enough! (I wanted to use YANTE, but that might be rude....) I think most people have some ability to learn, but lots refuse to question or even want to hear the answer.

Willful blindness it is. Provide me with evidence and I will sway your way in an instant. 6 years abroad, I have learnt to ask even more questions. I have no answers for the bigger questions in life. My film tape of life has rolled on in a different direction. So different, it might never get to be on the same pace of those tapes of theirs.