Hello 2017

I haven't posted in a while. I've got caught up with the routines of life, of making money, of cleaning the house, of being an adult.

It's 2017 and I just found that I've a white hair during my recent trip to Japan!!! (unhappy exclamation points) Argh, aging. Or perhaps it is stress from work and life. I so need to reduce stress and anxiety this year. And also drink more water.

Guess I can't really complain all too much. My life is mostly filled with work, music lessons, language lessons, lots of reading random pieces of news online.

Goals for 2017: Drink more water, sleep more, not gain excessive weight

On Career Success (or lack there of)

I haven't been blogging for a while. I guess I've been caught up with life and the general tediousness of it. That's the life of a BA (I noticed I posted about BA a long while back and that subject is appropriately long to require another post).

Anyway I woke up around 5am feeling blah and a quick Google search revealed how successful some of my peers have become - further enhancing my state of blahness. I guess that kind of success seems almost reachable if I chose not to jump off that speeding train heading for career success city.

Anyway, Google also revealed that some peers, no less deserving (my view, not society), have seemingly made poor progress in the job market. I felt kind of sad for them as I know how brutal it is for the self-esteem. Maybe it is for the better that I'm no longer in it and seeking to climb that highest mountain. What does it all mean? Is it for money, for status, for a personal sense of achievement?

I have not much money, status, or personal sense of achievement relative to those successful peers. I think I'm not of that calibre and perhaps it's fine to admit it - being lousy and all (though objectively probably not that lousy - or so I hope).

I know such things are inconsequential at one's deathbed (I'm morbid like that), but it does not prevent me from fretting over it. Perhaps I should take pleasure in my general slackness and think about how I'm going off to piano lessons in a couple of hours while the rest of humanity trudges to work.

To off peak traffic and non-office attire (if only for one day).

New York Soul

I miss New York a lot. Yes, I dislike many things about NYC.. the high taxes, the disgusting snow, crazy people, JFK airport, etc. But I still miss New York. In a way, I found New York most suited to my personality.

I miss the buzz, the simulation, the clear blue skies, and my afternoons of random wanderings. It was the city that gave me the most opportunities, judge me the least, set me (and my craziness) free. It's the city where I lived my 20s.

I don't think it makes sense to move back to New York. The taxes are far too high and I don't want to be those middle age people still wandering around New York drinking far too much Starbucks. These middle age people then devolved into cranky old people with pets and rent controlled apartments.

Maybe one day I will move back when I retire; to stay in a pied-à-terre and get senior tickets to Lincoln Center movies. Oh how I wish money is not an issue. Then I'll stay in New York perhaps 4 months a year(Spring and Autumn), Singapore for another 4 months. Japan for 2 and miscellaneous other places in Europe for another 2 months.

They say never lived abroad, you will be so torn up inside. Some parts of my soul is in New York. Lost in the museums, trapped in Chinatown supermarkets, scattered on bike paths alongside the West Side Highway. I want to look out my window to see Hester St and spy on the vendors selling flowers and plants out of the trunk of their cars. I want to go to Whole Foods to look at fruits and buy yogurt just because. Grom ice cream on a bench in a park.

I miss New York. I miss the feeling of hope and opportunity in the air. It is the city filled with options and possibilities.. most of which I did not exercise. I miss New York but New York won't miss me.

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

On Moving On

I haven't been writing much. There are lots of changes in my life. I'm currently based in Singapore so that's a huge change from the past.

This Monday Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away.  I haven't quite figured out how I should feel about it (my typical indecisive self).  My news junkie self is devouring tons of articles on him - I'm particularly fond of reading about his personal life.

I'm rather unsettled that Mr Lee has passed on.  He has always been there - making non politically correct comments (I find him hilarious).  I don't think he would approve of me and my frivolity but that doesn't distract from his abilities and what he has done for Singapore.

I guess I'm worried that he's no longer there to fix things if things go wrong.  I don't trust the new politicians the way I trust Mr Lee.  I guess Mr Lee appears more instrincally motivated to help Singapore and Singaporeans.  The new politicians, I don't know what motivates them - power, status, money, service, duty?

Returning to Singapore is a bet on the nation.  Will Singapore continue to be the place to be?  I don't know.  Mr Lee's son seems like a decent and competent person... but what about the next generation of leaders.  Guess I will just have to wait and see. 

Being Back

My commute is a chore, the air is terrible, my skin hates the weather, some annoying guy rubbed his butt against my lunch box as he squeezed his way out of the bus.  Singapore has many hateful things, but I don't regret moving back.

Perhaps it is because I always knew that my life in New York / North America was not permanent.  It's like watching a movie; great while it lasted but there's the inevitable end.  A permanent movie is no fun.  Sometimes, it's the small mundane things that gives meaning.  OF helping me out with administrative issues since I'm a total klutz at such things. Extended family offering me various things since I'm a total cheapo.  Unsolicited advice from my colleagues because they mean well.

Being back allows me to ease back into a bigger community.  Life is NYC was always rather solitary despite the large number of acquaintances and whatnots.  Social support is too underrated.  People need people more than they imagine.  I like to think I have more friends - I used to have 5? in Toronto and they include OF, Purin, Housemate, Housemate's girlfriend, television (I vaguely remember blogging about this but I found no evidence).

Well, to my new life.  Let's see how things go.

Bird nest at 10:30pm

I was on the phone when my mother said my grandma called and asked me to go over. As it was late, mother told me to visit tomorrow but I was more curious than tired. Thankfully, grandma stayed in the same apartment block and I only had to walk down two flights of stairs to my grandma's place.

When I arrived, I learned that grandma had prepared bird nest for me after feeling bad about not cooking dinner earlier that evening. I reassured her that I found food at home and continued to stuff my face with bird nest. Exchanging dinner for bird nest seems like a good deal.

Yes, the commutes are long and the weather is cranky. Privacy is non existence and my soft toys smell funky. But it's about being in a place where people really care about your welfare and dinner (or a lack of dinner) is a big deal. It's things like this that reminds me why I'm back.

Should I move back to Singapore?

I have been living in North America for the past 10 years.  Should I move back to Singapore?

People in Singapore are dying to get out.  But I can't imagine myself being based in North America for the long run.

Urgh my life.

Chinese New Year Musings

I'm now waiting for a friend in a Chinese restaurant on lunar new year's eve. I'm debating whether I should move back to Singapore. My life here seems empty despite the seeming privilege of living in one of the greatest cities in the world (NYC). It all seems so pointless.

Granted, moving back will make me more aware of social comparisons and no one really needs me to be in Singapore (I'm going back for my own sanity). Pragmatic me tells me to stay for the experience and makes me question why I'm giving up something others greatly desire.

My friend finally arrives and now I'm home after dinner and randomly wandering around NYC on Thursday night.  My head is not clear despite the freezing cold air.  Happy CNY to myself.

Another year

I was scanning through my blog posts and came across this.  I wrote it 6 years ago when I was 22 and feeling weary of life.  Now I'm 28 and I am extremely weary of life.  I just defended my darn degree yesterday so I somehow managed to crawl out of that shit hole.  Now it's on to the real world and real responsibilities.

I went for an interview today and the firm was trying to convince me it is a great place.  I tragically disagree.  I can't imagine myself being happy with a undergrad salary with less than inspiring people.  Other crappy things in my life.  I clogged the toilet (but managed to fix it) and the oven guy didn't come after taking weeks to arrange this appointment.

Urgh my life.

5 years on

I found some old pictures in my thumb drive.  I can't believe it has been 5 years since I moved to NYC.  Here is an unglam photo of my old friend, Sirotan. 

I'm probably the uncoolest person around

I don't get music videos these days... I just watched the Whistle music video by Flo Rida and I think it's ridiculous. (And I'm not even talking about what a ridiculous name Flo Rida is).  Am I the only one who thinks he looks ridiculous swaying on some rocks thinking he's super cool and good looking?  And he looks like a total pervert taking pictures of girls.. but I guess that's the message he's trying to send.  The thick gold chain he's wearing is also super funny. Who wears a thick gold chain to the beach?? Maybe he found it after digging up a treasure box?  *Arrr, found treasure while swaying around the beach in tight white pants* (piratey voice)

Ah... my friends posted that video on Facebook so I guess I don't get pop culture. And I'm not even ranting about how that video sexualizes women.  Video is too offensive (although still very funny) for me to repost.  I think a pirate hat and a talking parrot will make the video funnier.

On Goodbyes

My maternal grandfather passed away when I was 12, in Primary 6.  It was my first experience with death.  I remembered not crying at all.  This was rather odd since I sobbed rather easily (watching crappy tv shows, reading chicken soup for the soul).  The adults around me were much more upset.  I recalled playing cards with my cousins while everyone else busied themselves with the HDB style void deck funeral.

When he was about to die, my mom asked me whether I wanted to go see/say goodbye (i.e. walked down a few flight of stairs to my grandfather's place).  I didn't go because I said I was afraid.  I wasn't really afraid.  Perhaps I was somewhat hesitant to confront death.  I don't know.  Sometimes, I wished I went although I didn't think it would have mattered to my grandfather.  I saw him a couple of hours before his death and a few minutes after his death.  Just not at that very moment of death.  I'm so curious (I know, it is so inappropriate) about death.

When I was younger, my grandfather used to show me cats around the neighbourhood.  And he used to fold his cigarette boxes into little containers.  I was fond of the smell and texture of the cigarette boxes.  Yar, the cigarettes probably killed him before his time.  I remembered that my grandfather once made some contraption with some rubber bands and plastic (maybe a rubber band around the tires of a truck / bicycle) to entertain me and my brother.  I tried to do it myself but never got it to work.

I sometimes wished I was religious so I could reassure myself that there is life after death.  For now, I have the certainty of ambiguity.  Blah!  I have so many questions for my grandfather (and also my paternal grandparents + great grandparents) but I don't think the questions would matter once I'm not alive.  If souls exist, do they have existential crises?  That's a rather funny thought.

Spelling Fail

I always hated spelling tests... especially impromptu spelling tests I used to get in JC. I cannot spell to save my life. Thank you Spell Check.

What prompted this random post? I tried to spell "bother" and couldn't. I was bothered with my inability to spell "bother". -___- I had to freaking google search several bad permutations of the word before the google brain coughed up "bother". At least I could recognize it!

When I was in JC, I couldn't spell the word "further". I had to ask my friend for help. My own embarrassment at my inability to spell, permanently (I hope) etched that spelling into my brain.

And I always had terrible handwriting during English composition. Maybe my terrible handwriting hid my terrible spelling.

Dyslexic? Probably.

On happiness

I'm becoming increasing convinced that happiness is a choice. It's as simple as choosing what you want for dinner. If you don't like your dinner, change it or make another. Tragically, some feel that they cannot make their dinner choices. I guess making your own choices forces you to be fully responsible for the consequences. And people don't want that kind of responsibility. And the choices one makes may reflect the dark and probably sinister aspects of self that many refuse to confront.

People like to keep believing that they are angels when they really are not.

MBS Hawker

I just spent 1 hour of my life watching an interview on the MBS hawker who won a 416k. I'm struck by her attitude towards life. I guess it proves what everyone has been saying.. that I am darn auntie. But I won't mind if I can live like her. It's not the money but the attitude towards people and animals. I wish I have the guts to do the things she did.

More videos at http://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/sp/stsite/section-razorTV.html

Another late night post

Life has been pretty rough these days. Some of it is real, some of it imaginary, other parts self created.

I've been getting flickering moments of insight. I guess all things happen for a reason aka karma.

I guess I'm at that age where the window to "the life I always wanted to have" is closing. Once past 30, your life is more or less set. There is a reason why the Fields Medal is only meant for those under 40.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia. If you watched Midnight in Paris, you will understand. The 80s really appeal to me. Yes, I'm addicted to iphone games, but I still prefer the pre smartphone, facebook era. It just seems so wrong. These day everyone stares into a back lit screen for hours on end.

Okay, back to my point. I feel that your 20s really define your life. The people who 'succeed' have it all figured out. The faster you figure life out, the more time you have to work towards your goals. Even now, among people in their 20s, I can see that the more focused people are in a better place as compared to those who are just lumbering along.

I stumbled upon this blog about Singapore. It feeds my need for nostalgia and has nice xinyaos. I'm glad I'm not the only person into such things.

Oh, and I missed school and now what...

Today, my alarm did not go off as planned (DARN YOU SMART PHONE TECHNOLOGY) and I missed school. And I was upset, still upset, am upset. And I find this is rather ridiculous. Why am I so upset over such a small thing? Maybe it is the Singaporean cannot-ever-miss-school mentality that I was brought up with. Argh, I feel like my life is almost over and I haven't yet lived. I have to go do something. But there is nothing better at the moment. Life is all relative.

Fall of Icarus

It's curious how things converge into some form of understanding. The Fall of Icarus is very much on my mind these days.

Herbivores and me

I was eating watermelon with OF when we decided that humans only eat land animals that are 'mainly herbivores'. We're not considering worms, insects and the like as 'animals'.  So I'm classifying chicken as herbivore of some sorts. 

Granted that Asian people drink snake blood, eat bear paws and tiger penises... Those are more medicinal than food food.  You get the point.  According to YouTube, some people eat cats and dogs... But those are the rarer exception.

Hmm, why do humans typically eat herbivores but leave carnivores alone?  Maybe carnivores are too expensive to be eaten. OF says carnivores are too smelly and tough to eat.  Pigs are omnivorous?  Maybe that is why they have the 臭 pork 味.