Hello 2017

I haven't posted in a while. I've got caught up with the routines of life, of making money, of cleaning the house, of being an adult.

It's 2017 and I just found that I've a white hair during my recent trip to Japan!!! (unhappy exclamation points) Argh, aging. Or perhaps it is stress from work and life. I so need to reduce stress and anxiety this year. And also drink more water.

Guess I can't really complain all too much. My life is mostly filled with work, music lessons, language lessons, lots of reading random pieces of news online.

Goals for 2017: Drink more water, sleep more, not gain excessive weight

On Career Success (or lack there of)

I haven't been blogging for a while. I guess I've been caught up with life and the general tediousness of it. That's the life of a BA (I noticed I posted about BA a long while back and that subject is appropriately long to require another post).

Anyway I woke up around 5am feeling blah and a quick Google search revealed how successful some of my peers have become - further enhancing my state of blahness. I guess that kind of success seems almost reachable if I chose not to jump off that speeding train heading for career success city.

Anyway, Google also revealed that some peers, no less deserving (my view, not society), have seemingly made poor progress in the job market. I felt kind of sad for them as I know how brutal it is for the self-esteem. Maybe it is for the better that I'm no longer in it and seeking to climb that highest mountain. What does it all mean? Is it for money, for status, for a personal sense of achievement?

I have not much money, status, or personal sense of achievement relative to those successful peers. I think I'm not of that calibre and perhaps it's fine to admit it - being lousy and all (though objectively probably not that lousy - or so I hope).

I know such things are inconsequential at one's deathbed (I'm morbid like that), but it does not prevent me from fretting over it. Perhaps I should take pleasure in my general slackness and think about how I'm going off to piano lessons in a couple of hours while the rest of humanity trudges to work.

To off peak traffic and non-office attire (if only for one day).

1163 (yao yao liu san)

Last Sunday OF and I made a trip to the Buddha Tooth Relic Museum after bumming away at the Central Library.

Due to my foresight and astute planning, the car has no coupons. As we have faith that parking attendents (feng fei fei) would show some mercy in parking slots near a temple, we decided to risk it and get on with our trip.

After the museum trip which I got blessed by a monk and subsequently developed a headache (this is another story), we popped by the nearby Smith St hawker to proceed to stuff our face. We ate bak chor mee and then went for claypot rice - all recommended by the wonderful internet. The claypot rice had an hour long wait so I suggested we get our parking coupon since we really shouldn't tempt fate too much, especially when stuffing your face with meat.

So, off we went to find a 7 eleven or a shop that sells coupons. I randomly approached some auntie in a store selling stationery and asked for parking coupons. She told us to go to "yao yao liu san" at the hawker center. After much searching (the store numbers do not go in sequence) and quiet resignation that the store is probably closed, another auntie pointed us the way to "yao yao liu san" and it was a garment store with an auntie selling cloth / altering clothes. My face is like -___- (see image).

At least the store is opened at 7pm. Since we have reached this metaphoric mountain peak, I thought to just ask this random clothing store about parking coupons and, lo and behold, she said "you ah" (yes, I have coupons) whipped out a red plastic bag with coupons. My brain just went "whuuttttttt".

So the moral of the story is to listen to aunties and be amazed at the networks of communities in Singapore. And buy parking coupons from 1163 underneath Smith St food center - just do it for the experience if not for anything else.

And no, we didn't get a parking fine! Hurray to risk taking.

Primary School Math

I was helping out a friend with math problem yesterday and almost exploded my brain. Since I can't use algebra and had to use models, I had to re configure how I approach the question.

All the while, I was also bugging OF to solve the question by stressing him that his future kid will fail PSLE if he can't solve it.

Well, I thought of a "model" solution (get it, the double entendre -___-) for it in the end. OF laid on the false praise and said he knew I could do it. PhD >> MBA

New York Soul

I miss New York a lot. Yes, I dislike many things about NYC.. the high taxes, the disgusting snow, crazy people, JFK airport, etc. But I still miss New York. In a way, I found New York most suited to my personality.

I miss the buzz, the simulation, the clear blue skies, and my afternoons of random wanderings. It was the city that gave me the most opportunities, judge me the least, set me (and my craziness) free. It's the city where I lived my 20s.

I don't think it makes sense to move back to New York. The taxes are far too high and I don't want to be those middle age people still wandering around New York drinking far too much Starbucks. These middle age people then devolved into cranky old people with pets and rent controlled apartments.

Maybe one day I will move back when I retire; to stay in a pied-à-terre and get senior tickets to Lincoln Center movies. Oh how I wish money is not an issue. Then I'll stay in New York perhaps 4 months a year(Spring and Autumn), Singapore for another 4 months. Japan for 2 and miscellaneous other places in Europe for another 2 months.

They say never lived abroad, you will be so torn up inside. Some parts of my soul is in New York. Lost in the museums, trapped in Chinatown supermarkets, scattered on bike paths alongside the West Side Highway. I want to look out my window to see Hester St and spy on the vendors selling flowers and plants out of the trunk of their cars. I want to go to Whole Foods to look at fruits and buy yogurt just because. Grom ice cream on a bench in a park.

I miss New York. I miss the feeling of hope and opportunity in the air. It is the city filled with options and possibilities.. most of which I did not exercise. I miss New York but New York won't miss me.

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

On Moving On

I haven't been writing much. There are lots of changes in my life. I'm currently based in Singapore so that's a huge change from the past.

This Monday Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away.  I haven't quite figured out how I should feel about it (my typical indecisive self).  My news junkie self is devouring tons of articles on him - I'm particularly fond of reading about his personal life.

I'm rather unsettled that Mr Lee has passed on.  He has always been there - making non politically correct comments (I find him hilarious).  I don't think he would approve of me and my frivolity but that doesn't distract from his abilities and what he has done for Singapore.

I guess I'm worried that he's no longer there to fix things if things go wrong.  I don't trust the new politicians the way I trust Mr Lee.  I guess Mr Lee appears more instrincally motivated to help Singapore and Singaporeans.  The new politicians, I don't know what motivates them - power, status, money, service, duty?

Returning to Singapore is a bet on the nation.  Will Singapore continue to be the place to be?  I don't know.  Mr Lee's son seems like a decent and competent person... but what about the next generation of leaders.  Guess I will just have to wait and see. 

Being Back

My commute is a chore, the air is terrible, my skin hates the weather, some annoying guy rubbed his butt against my lunch box as he squeezed his way out of the bus.  Singapore has many hateful things, but I don't regret moving back.

Perhaps it is because I always knew that my life in New York / North America was not permanent.  It's like watching a movie; great while it lasted but there's the inevitable end.  A permanent movie is no fun.  Sometimes, it's the small mundane things that gives meaning.  OF helping me out with administrative issues since I'm a total klutz at such things. Extended family offering me various things since I'm a total cheapo.  Unsolicited advice from my colleagues because they mean well.

Being back allows me to ease back into a bigger community.  Life is NYC was always rather solitary despite the large number of acquaintances and whatnots.  Social support is too underrated.  People need people more than they imagine.  I like to think I have more friends - I used to have 5? in Toronto and they include OF, Purin, Housemate, Housemate's girlfriend, television (I vaguely remember blogging about this but I found no evidence).

Well, to my new life.  Let's see how things go.

Bird nest at 10:30pm

I was on the phone when my mother said my grandma called and asked me to go over. As it was late, mother told me to visit tomorrow but I was more curious than tired. Thankfully, grandma stayed in the same apartment block and I only had to walk down two flights of stairs to my grandma's place.

When I arrived, I learned that grandma had prepared bird nest for me after feeling bad about not cooking dinner earlier that evening. I reassured her that I found food at home and continued to stuff my face with bird nest. Exchanging dinner for bird nest seems like a good deal.

Yes, the commutes are long and the weather is cranky. Privacy is non existence and my soft toys smell funky. But it's about being in a place where people really care about your welfare and dinner (or a lack of dinner) is a big deal. It's things like this that reminds me why I'm back.

Random doodles from long ago

 

Found these when I was packing up.  Random doodles from my past.

Moving

Okay, I think I'm moving back to Singapore after 10 years in North America.  And my BIGGEST concern in Singapore is transportation.  I spend all my time googling for ways to get from my place to the office but it is IMPOSSIBLE.  Public transport takes more than 1 hour.  Cab rides are 30 min BUT it's hard to get a cab.  Cars are too expensive (150k).

:(

Can the government please fix the darn transportation?  Research has shown that more than 30 minutes spent on commuting REDUCES life utility.

Hmph.  I need a teleport machine.

Cupcakes

Stuff I find at home (NYC home) in the fridge. Noms.

Of Friendship

I finally had a glimpse of what friendship really meant.

The trust, the vulnerability. The gravity of the situation took a while to sink in. I'm very humbled and flattered to be trusted on that level. It's one of the rare times in my life that I felt proud of the decisions that I've made.

Thank you friend. Perhaps you thought it was for you, but it meant a lot to me.

Human Slug

I'm rolling in bed 4 hours after waking because I don't feel like getting up. I'm a human slug.

Should I move back to Singapore?

I have been living in North America for the past 10 years.  Should I move back to Singapore?

People in Singapore are dying to get out.  But I can't imagine myself being based in North America for the long run.

Urgh my life.

Purin's first Chinese New Year parade

We moved to an apartment where we can watch the Chinese New Year parade from our balcony-that's-really-just-a-window.  It's rather shiok to not have to squeeze with the crazy crowd downstairs and can still enjoy the festivities (although watching from my window prevents me from getting any freebies / balloons / random things).

Purin seems rather happy to watch the parade from the apartment!! 

To a huat huat New Year! 

Chinese New Year Musings

I'm now waiting for a friend in a Chinese restaurant on lunar new year's eve. I'm debating whether I should move back to Singapore. My life here seems empty despite the seeming privilege of living in one of the greatest cities in the world (NYC). It all seems so pointless.

Granted, moving back will make me more aware of social comparisons and no one really needs me to be in Singapore (I'm going back for my own sanity). Pragmatic me tells me to stay for the experience and makes me question why I'm giving up something others greatly desire.

My friend finally arrives and now I'm home after dinner and randomly wandering around NYC on Thursday night.  My head is not clear despite the freezing cold air.  Happy CNY to myself.

Purin wears a festive red ribbon

Happy Chinese New Year!  Sirotan is peeking out from the back.  My animals are hilarious.

Another year

I was scanning through my blog posts and came across this.  I wrote it 6 years ago when I was 22 and feeling weary of life.  Now I'm 28 and I am extremely weary of life.  I just defended my darn degree yesterday so I somehow managed to crawl out of that shit hole.  Now it's on to the real world and real responsibilities.

I went for an interview today and the firm was trying to convince me it is a great place.  I tragically disagree.  I can't imagine myself being happy with a undergrad salary with less than inspiring people.  Other crappy things in my life.  I clogged the toilet (but managed to fix it) and the oven guy didn't come after taking weeks to arrange this appointment.

Urgh my life.

Homemade Bandung

I made this with soya milk, sugar, and bandung. OF likes it. I find it repulsive.