Spring cheated on me.

The damn weather. It's cold AGAIN and it's MARCH. Hello, where is my Spring? For those who are not so well informed, when I say cold, I mean below 0 degree celsius cold. Oh, I so miss the 25 deg monsoon cold in Singapore. (Eh, not really.) My ideal outside temperature is between 10 - 15 deg. I feel that some politician needs to build a huge globe around the city and set the thermostat to 15 deg.

Besides that, I'm freezing indoors. This is terrible. Now it is 17 deg (still bearable), but I sometimes wake up to 13 deg INDOOR temperatures. The thermostat at home is CURSED. It only has a turn on/off function. The temperature dials on it -> SCAM!

Here is a continuation about the terrible living conditions that I'm forced to live with.
(Refer to Neurotic for my housemates' heating woes.)

Okay.. So I feel cold and I turn on the heat. )@(#*@)(#@! CHLORINE GAS START COMING OUT OF MY HEAT VENT!!!!!! Poison poison. They used Chlorine to kill people in WW1.

Either the drug-using nuts in the basements are trying to poison me (and the rest of the house) or the landlord or his assistant (V. N.) is trying to save $ by making hot air a form of poison.

When we DIE, you will have no rent to collect. Argh. Sheesh. The Chlorine is probably going to take some time to kill md, so evil landlord could still squeeze rent out of me!

Evil landlord choices:
SAVE $ as stupid renters don't use heat
SPEND $ to slowly kill some pesky renters

He got the best of everything eh?
(I didn't know it is so easy to torment people. The tips I pick up in Toronto. Tsk.)

Yadayada. He might be trying to clean the air vent with Chlorine. But it is below -6 deg outside.

The lives of poor undergraduates are worth nothing. When I get rich and famous and all, I'll get back at all these people. Shoot diamond bullets at them.

But now, I'm stuck without heat.

Anger issues

Am I a really angry person? I don't know. I guess I'm somewhat more in control of my behaviour/temper than in the past. (Blame aging.)

Pissed off at some academic nonsense.

- didn't do great on test. didn't have time to finish.
- some idiot tried to overcharge me for past tests
- mailman didn't come today. Hello? Where's my acceptance/rejection letter?

Hm. I didn't use to be so concern about my grades... Nay, I'm always that way. Why. I need to learn to relax. My 1st year in university was fine, then I somehow morphed into some cao mugger. Sheesh. And if you think (North America) overseas education is easy, think again. Hard like hell. I don't know where I got notions that I will get to slack in uni. Worse, far worse than JC years. Far worse, and less fun. The only people who seem to have a relatively easy time in university are those in Australia.

I cooked some multi coloured bubble tea pearls to cheer myself up.But then the pearls got stuck to the bottom of the pot. -_-

So much for cheering myself up. (But I did manage to scrap them off the pot, so not ALL is lost. There is still hope in the world.)

Spring!

Spring is here. Sort of. The daylight saving nonsense has just ate away another hour of my day. But who cares! Spring is here! Hola!

But I'm stuck in some overly anxious situation. A horrid ECO test on Friday. 2 papers and 1 presentation next week. And yar, graduate school acceptance/rejection letters should be coming my way this week or the next.

ARgh. How horrid to be me. I can't enjoy spring without the burden of assorted things on my mind.

And I've class now so I have no time to complain.

At least one thing is getting better... the weather!! Spring!!!

Spread the joy!

I was feeling a tat blue and I stumbled upon this: It's Hard to Be Humble by Mac Davis

It doesn't sound great but it makes me happy. =)! (especially if you sing along)

Haha. My narcissistic self.

Types of girlfriends

In a rather pathetic attempt to escape school work, I will blog.

I have only thought about blogging (about this topic) today but the idea have been floating around for a while...

There are 2 distinct kinds of girlfriends one can get.

One of them looks like this:

GF 1

The other looks like this:

GF 2

Due to my rather ugly msword drawings, I shall elaborate further on the GFs.

.

GF 1 is rather plain looking (normal people you see on the streets or the extras walking around on channel 8 shows). She's the sort of girl you can be really good friends with, but you wouldn't date (or say you wouldn't date). She doesn't have many suitors.

.

GF 2 is usually above average looking or considered good looking. She might not be drop dead gorgeous, but she is possibly the most attractive girl in class, on the MRT train, at your work place. She usually has a couple of suitors and guys want to be her friend.

.

These GFs are sort of modelled after real life couples I've encountered. But relax, I'm sure you are not one of these people. =) =) *peace*

.

Assumption: Everyone has a great personality.

.

BF 1s, boyfriends of GF 1s, are usually rather decently nice to their GFs. But they don't seem to be oh-so-proud of their partners. On facebook/friendster, one hardly sees pictures of GF 1 on BF 1's site. BF 1 usually thinks his gf is nice and he can marry her, yada yada, but that's it. BF 1 doesn't carry pictures of GF 1 in his wallet. He doesn't steal glances at his GF 1 or notice how beautiful she is. He might tell her that she looks good, but he doesn't mean it 100%. He might have a soft spot for better looking girls, he just doesn't tell his gf about it.

.

BF 2s, boyfriends of GF 2s, are usually the opposite of BF 1s. He is the guy who goes on and on about how pretty his gf is even though no one is interested. His friends talk among themselves about how unfair the world is: Why BF 2, of all people, have a pretty gf. He carries her picture in his wallet and likes to "stamp his name on her head" to show that she is attached. (This will fend off other random suitors.) You see her picture on his friendster/facebook. He is frequently afraid that he will lose GF 2 to other guys.

.

Everyone guy wants a GF 2, even though they don't mention it. (Disclaimer: some guys might classify GF1s as GF2s. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.) They usually end up with a GF 1 when they figure out they can't get a GF 2, or when they fall in love with someone's personality. (Though evolution normally doesn't work that way -> Attractive people look more healthy, thus, better genes!)

.

But couples normally fall between the spectrum of GF1/BF1 & GF2/BF2. So maybe people are not that superficial after all. Heck. They are. I've heard one too many: I wouldn't date girls more than 50kg. Hai.. Why are people so superficial.. I don't know. I am too.

.

Side note: I just bought some Eyes Lips Face makeup yesterday and they have been SHIPPED! Hurray! I got to be vain vain. Because the world requires me to be. =)

School Songs

I was thinking of my old school songs yesterday.. and I can't remember them.
To give myself some credit, I didn't forget everything...

Primary School (XPS):
78% recalled

*We the pupils of XPS
In spirit we are one
As brothers help each other
In study and at play
Working towards perfection
In school from day to day
Humility and honesty
Love and respect for all
School and to community
We will answer to your call (back to *)

But I can't remember how it ends...


Secondary School (TKGS):
25% recalled

We can not all be heros and throw a hemisphere?
With some great daring venture, some deed that mocks at fear
But we can fill a life time with kindly acts and truth?
For glory of the country and ......

I think there are 3 stanzas..


Junior College (VJC):
Can't recall the tune... Copied the lyrics from wikipedia

Victoria in Singapore
There are other schools we know
Victoria is something more
The school that watch'd us grow

For here we've learnt and striven too
And played the sportsman's game
Victoria we give to you
The honour that you claim

Victoria thy sons are we
And we will not forget
Victoria thy triumphs see
And victories we share yet

For others came before and went
And carried to the world
Victoria's fame and our intent to
Keep her flag unfurled


Okay.. So why am I writing all these? I hope someone out there will stumble upon my blog and fill in the blanks in the songs for me. Hehe..
If that doesn't work out.. At least I've a partial record of the songs, before they all get wiped off my bad bad memory.

I still can't believe I remember most of my Pri school song.. 6 years of brainwashing singing. Haha.

Slacking around

After my rather traumatic 2 essays, 1 midterm week, I've decided to bum around and not do anything this weekend. Up till now, I have yet to accomplish ANY school work. Maybe I should start.

Some random things I do when I'm slacking around:

1) My housemate's (OH) door. Notice it's dark in the room (no light underneath door). OH and gf are in the room. 2) And here is the sign on the door. Hmmm. =P

3) Just for information: Here is what's hanging from my doorknob.

Oh... I've also got myself this new Sony Ericsson z610i. And I've figured out how to download FREE games onto my phone (go to www.mobile9.com). So I'm playing Tamagotchi V1. Ahh... Games from my not so long ago childhood.
I tried to play the game in fast mode, but it's still REAL slow.. But the it suddenly went really fast and Fluff (tamagotchi's name) started pooing quite a lot and got really sick.

For those of the non-tamagotchi generation: The skull means Fluff is sick, he's not dead.

That's Fluff's poo.

So there.. this is my rather uneventful weekend.

Back

Haven't been posting for a while. I wanted to, really. Just that darn blogger wants me to log on with a gmail account. But the un-tech-savy me DOESN'T have a gmail account! Yes, yes, I know I'm like so behind. But I have enough trouble with managing 3 emails accounts. )(@#*(!#).

Okay.. But I finally got myself a gmail account, AFTER HOURS of thinking what name to use. Sheesh. I can't believe it. I spend time worrying about the name of my gmail account when there's world poverty and people dying of AIDS. Anyway, that precisely what I did. (I can't believe that people use nicks like pinkapples, fluffypillows, handsinmypockets(or sth like that)). I must have tried all possible combinations for an oh-so-me email, but didn't manage to settle for anything until today. Today. when I got all bored, tired and sick of school, I set up my email account. All this on a glorious friday evening. What a life.

Some updates on my not-so-cool life.
1) I slept like 1.5 hours last night/morning. Slept at 7am, woke at 8.30am for my 9am test.
Tell me again why did I procrastinate?!

2) I hate school. Have not receive word from any of the graduate schools that I have applied to. Wondering what was going through my mind when I applied for PhD. Today's conversations with a couple of graduate students steered me further away from that path.

3) I need Manolo Blahniks. I've never had them and probably won't be having them any time soon. But still..

4) Going through another one of my stages of I-so-need _______. Currently it's nice eyes. So I'm busy trying to figure out how to reduce eye bags (drink apple cider vinegar?) and lengthen my eyelashes. (I'm off grocery shopping tomorrow for my health/vanity fix.)

15

I have just finished watching Royston Tan's "15".
Very painful film to watch. It reminds me of Singapore, in some really vulgar manner. I know it's a movie, but it seems so sad that these kids have such a crappy life. And I'm still really disturbed by the violence and gore. I'm not really sure whether it's just movie effects or the real thing.

And after some googling, I found that the kids have continued with their sort of lifestyle after making the movie. Argh. Makes me want to go back (to Singapore) and be a social worker. If only I can stop such things like that from happening.

I'll probably feel much less pity if the gangsters are some chain smoking middle aged men. But these boys are young and somehow they feel really familiar to me. I guess I've seen glimpses of them when I'm back in Singapore, but then I too avoid them like plague. To a certain extent, I'm frightened of them. =(

How different their life is compared to mine. I'm spending a hell lot of money on my university education and possibly seeking more education. I never had to deal with that sort of environment. In my sheltered life, I have only a few really brief encounters with this 'forgotten teenager'. (I've no idea what I should call her.)

I remember seeing her around my neighbour. She is around my age but seem to spend her youth at the void decks of my block instead of being at school. I used to come home from school carrying my violin and see her sitting at the void deck, looking aimless. We always smile at each other. A silent acknowledge of each other's presence. (I guess?)

Once, I was out with my mother in the neighbourhood and my mother saw her smiling at me. My mother freaked out, worrying about me knowing such unsavoury characters. I don't know how to describe the feelings I had then. Disgust with my mother for being so elitist? Anxious that my mother will find out I have been smiling/acknowledging/knowing her?

I don't know. It's just so different. We (me and her) grew in the same HDB block yet we our lifestyles are so different.

I spend my days reading obscene amount of psychology literature and writing papers arguing about creativity, depression, analogue samples, etc. Yar, I know. It's good training for the mind. But I'm not sure what other young people (her) do. Would she be working? Would she meet really unsavoury characters? (Purely anecdotal: I heard she and her sisters have been molested by some icky old man around the neighbourhood.)

I seem to have rather privileged life compared to these other youths. I travelled madly, spend money rather madly (compared to them at least) and think nothing of going to New York for shopping. OF buys me T&C and I buy myself fluffy (useless) stuffed bunnies. Argh. Feel the lifestyle disparity.

Sleepy

I've been surviving on pretty little sleep these past few days. (Slept at 9am ish today.) Darn school work. If I have to do more, I'll whine, complain and still do my school work.

This is my last semester in school and it is suppose to be slack... Unfortunately, it is not. And I'm driving myself crazy.

A professor I emailed did not email me back. It's moderately irritating to be ignored as I am stuck in a situation that I can't change. Why can't the person just reject (or accept) my request, instead of dao1ing me.

Oh, last Thursday, I was trying to borrow some past tests from this guy in class. HE BLOODY DIDN'T WANT TO LET ME. I swore I almost ripped his neck apart. He gave lame excuses like he got something to do and really needed the tests. Please, I only needed it for 5 minutes and will return to him after the break. Somehow I managed to convince this other girl to lend me the notes, so it wasn't all too bad in the end. BUT SOME OTHER RANDOM GUY FOLLOWED me to copy the notes and expected me to pay for him. Then the copying machine screwed and he couldn't really copy. The girl that lent me the papers were not too pleased as I returned to class without her papers. (The other guy was still trying to copy the papers.)

Anyway, the girl got her papers back some time during the middle of second half of the class. The papers were not well stapled so... she was pretty pissed off by then.
After class I had to apologize and do all that fluffy stuff. Sheesh..

Anyway, I have decided.. with these terrible experiences with )(@#*@)(#* GUYS. I detest those freaking chinese (I think they are) guy. Problematic.

I hate to generalize, but they really pissed me off. Shoo. Don't bother me, bother some one else.

p.s. At least it taught me to appreciate OF a bit more. (He stayed up to help me check essays. Ooo.. Thank you. thank you.)

Graduating

I just got my graduation pictures taken. They are BLOODY Expensive. I paid $25 for Proofs. And if I want photos without the horrible words (proofs) on it. I need to pay $50 (black & white) and UP.
Disgusting.

Which means I would attempt to photoshop away the darn words.

@()#*!

Hm. Back to school. Everything is a routine. As usual, I am worrying about my life and possible future. Argh. Nothing ever changes.

I'm such a worry wart. It doesn't help that I worry about things that I can't change.

Just learnt that someone at work took 10 years to complete her degree. I am taking 3 years and it is DRIVING ME NUTS.

Sheesh. Is this the attitude to go to graduate school? But I don't feel ready for work. (would I ever?)

It's crappy being at an age where you are old enough to comprehend things and yet not old enough to make a wise decision about what you want.
It doesn't help that I know that the decision I would make is CRUCIAL for the next couple of years of my life.

Church was going: you should pray that God helps you make the right decision when you meet a fork in life.

Darn it.

And then comes to the point. Is there free will? Do I actually get a choice? Or is it just the perception of choice since everything is preordained.

(Reminds me of the time when my friends told me that your name is in this Big Book that decides whether you go to heaven. Then what choice do I have in life to make? If I suddenly decide to be religious, would my name pop up in the Book? Or is it destined that I would/would not be religious and that my name is already in/not in the Book?)

Yada, yada. Random Rantings.

New Year

It's a new year. I've returned from my 3rd Europe (London & Paris) trip not too long ago. Now, it's back to school. Everything is a dull buzz. Just going about life. School, work, schoolwork, sleep. Dull.

All is fine and rather uneventful. Not feeling all too keen to get suck into this seemingly endless undergraduate career. It's almost over. Just 4 more months before I'm out of here. In fact, I'm off to take my grad photo some time next week.

It's been a relatively fast 3 years. A new phrase in life is about to begin. Now as I look back at my JC days, I feel this attachment to my school. But in college, it is just a mindless trudge to complete. While I have gained an education and learnt a lot (mostly academic stuff), I don't have that attachment to the school. Maybe it's the people here. The lack of a decent social circle makes me yearn for a more interesting/colourful life elsewhere. Where should I go next.

Toronto is a nice place. The security of knowing where everything is in this city.

Yet, I should move. This place has failed to give me the intellectual or any other sort of stimulation I need. I'm not growing as a person!

Hm, like what this lecturer of mine said: Take the harder path in life.

Moving elsewhere would be hard... Maybe that's why I should do it.

Neurotic

This blog is suppose to be about frivolous fluff... yet my posts seem more neurotic than anything else..
So I shall attempt to talk about something less neurotic.

The past week is somewhat different. My household seems fine but a slight tension lingers in the air.
Ah.. the usual issues over heating, food and toothpaste.

In short, housemate CO (haha, shall explain the initials some day) had pasted a note to request that the heat remains turn on at night. This is not surprising, considering it's winter and it's sometimes -14 degrees outside.. Unfortunately, OF and other housemate OH (haha, OH - Other Housemate, my uncreative mind prevents me from coming up with a creative but un-insulting term. He knows I have a blog.. so.. ) have rooms with heating strips running directly below their beds*, so turning on heat at night will roast these 2 boys in their sleep. To prevent any body or sperm damage, I encouraged/forced/guilt the guys to talk to CO about this issue (complains from the basement, dry air, discomfort.. etc). All seems nice and well, we even offered to share the cost of buying a new heater for CO.

I'm not sure whether this issue is settled. Our offering of carrot cake to CO seems to be accepted rather grudgingly. Perhaps he thought we were going to poison him.

OF was rather upset over the possibility of CO stealing TWO scoops of milo from him.

I didn't like CO stealing my toothpaste. OF and OH felt that he took it by accident. (is probably the case... but it doesn't make me any happier.)

There are also speculations about CO's possible bad pee aiming skills and hairs on the toilet seat.

CO probably hates my TV-watching habit. Too noisy.

So, there's quite a bit of animosity going around. Nothing mean is said to each other, some sarcastic swipes from CO every now and then.

Hm, we all seem to be targeting CO. He stays in the cursed room, we had similar problems with previous housemate who stayed there last year.

But that's all.

Okay, this blog is sounding somewhat neurotic again.




*Yes, they sleep on a mattress on a floor.... we are poor poor students

Blabber blah blah

Hm, sometimes I must decide on what I want to do in life.

I'm getting old.. I feel my bones creaking and stuff... I can no longer stay up late and still feel alive the next days.
Sheesh, my metabolic rate is slowing down.

Anyway, the point is that my body is aging and I'm no longer that keen to explore and try new things. And I'm only 21.

Sometimes I look at the excitement happening in ... more happening places... and I wonder if I would be happier there? Life in Toronto is DULL... Probably due to my pathetic social circle.

There are many thoughts of going away.. to NYC after I graduate. It seems so much more fun. But would I have a social life? Or would it be like Toronto, DULL, COLD and probably more dangerous.

Leaving Toronto means giving up some comforts... OF is still here and I do enjoy having a somewhat permanent comforting? presence and company. But do I want to stay in Toronto forever?

I feel so restricted (wings-are-clipped sort of feeling)... I'm just bored here.

It's a far cry from my much more interesting lifestyle back home...
Does this happen to everyone? Is it what happens when everyone around you is attached and hanging out with their significant other? Is it because everyone is so aged by life that they keep to themselves? Or is it because my social skills have degenerated from the lack of use.

Argh.

Midnightish

Sometimes as I sit alone in my room, I ponder over various issues. But my mind always wander.

It is dark and quiet outside. Probably cold too.

My clock ticks away, and I still remain lost.

Sometimes a chill goes down my spine. It's a familiar feeling. I remember having the same sort of sensation when I was much younger, as I sit on my bed at night.

I used to be afraid of that sensation, but I seemed to have got used to it. Wonder why.

Sometimes I feel so alone. It's just me against this world. What do I do next?

Different

I have met up some friends of friends and we seemed so different. Maybe it's the environment or surroundings? Or the cold?

Yes, we can make conversation but other things.. like activities that we are keen on.. they are just SO different.

Or maybe it's just me.

I don't enjoy loud music, clubbing, spending too much $, drinking etc.

I'm such a goody two shoes. Sheesh.

It's simply so much more relaxing when I could spend time with those I'm closer to.

What's wrong with me? I'm always complaining about my lack of social life, yet when given a chance, I'm not that keen on interacting. Maybe I'm older, maybe I don't require quite so much affirmation from the society.

Gosh, my Toronto social circle is pathetic. It currently consists of 5, out of this, 2 are inanimate objects.

1. OF
2. Other housemate
3. Other housemate's date
4. Purin (stuffed animal lying on my bed)
5. TV (donated by a graduate student)

I'm turning into a boring antisocial nerd.
Sheesh. I'm off to comfort myself with my Purin.

Bored & needy

I've lots to do.. yet I'm bored.
I want some chocolate.

miss good chocolate

Odd comparisons

Well well.. a friend of mine told me (or maybe it's because I overheard because I was sitting next to her) that she was participating in some pageant. It's strange but I want to join too? Gosh, it's odd even typing these words. I guess I like the idea of some sort of confirmation of one's physical appearance. I mean, growing up plagued with physical insecurities didn't make me oh-so-self-confident. I don't know. My some-what tormented childhood filled with teasing and little admirers left me with a fragile ego that could not repaired by the (fair number? of) potential suitors that I encountered in my early adulthood. (details in another blog entry, perhaps.)

Sheesh... Conflicts conflicts... Yet there is the pain, nope, not really pain, more of discomfort (and probably more ego shattering) of participating and getting rejected. No one wants to fail. Oh gosh, would I one day regret as the window of opportunity closes? I would no longer be, say, under 24/25 in a few years time.

GOsh, I worry and ponder over the darnest thing. Why do I want everything to be perfect!?!

Older and wiser?

Okay.. I'm offically an Adult. Erk! Gross. Now I'm suppose to be responsible for myself. Birthday went by pretty uneventfully. I had cake and stuff, went up the CN tower for lunch.. bummed around. Oh yar, and OF gave me a Tiff & Co. necklace. That's good. Hehe. Always wanted a blue box.

I want to relax and slack.. but as usual, it's not possible.
I've finally conned/convinced OF to go off to London & Paris with my for xmas vacation... So that's a hell lot of planning to do...

As usual, like how things usually work out (badly), my exam will end on the 19Dec... kindly ruining my chances of going to London on a cheaper and more direct flight. DArn it. Nevermind, I can take UA and go to the States and change planes and get stuck at customs.. @#(*@)(#

Darn the security. Hate inefficiencies.

Hypochondriac

I've been worrying about my health. My breathing seems labored and I'm always tired. I don't want to be stressed out. I just want to rest.

Maybe I'm just lazy.

Lazy, lazy me.

I just want to rest.